49ers would not have beaten Broncos

49ers would not have beaten Broncos
February 2, 2014, 8:00 pm
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The 49ers blew their chance at a shot to take on the Broncos, so don't start with the "We could've beaten them" talk.

So here are the things you need to learn from Super Bowl $$$$$$$:

• If you’re a 49er fan, don’t start. Your team had your chance and didn’t, so don’t even start with “We could’ve beaten Denver.” This is not an alternate universe where you get to make up your own stuff. Cease.

[RELATED: What the 49ers need to do to overtake the Seahawks]

• The MVP was actually whichever Seahawk convinced Denver center Manny Ramirez to end the game only 59:48 from the end by duckhooking the opening snap. I guess that would be either Tony McDaniel or Brandon Mebane, so gents, on the count of three, “I’m going to some nameless kiddie resort!”

* The other possibility, according to Ramirez, was Manning, who stepped up after the final read and created the problem. Wonder where Ramirez will be playing next year.

• If you took please at Richard Sherman’s injury, you really are an appalling human being. And yes, we know you’re out there.

• Russell Wilson has surpassed Trent Dilfer as the most invisible winning quarterback in Super Bowl history after his . . . well, whatever he did.

• Peyton Manning’s legacy has been changed to read, “and in Super Bowl XLVIII, he proved a quarterback cannot win when there are angry mesomorphs nipping at his cheekbones the entire game. Other than that, shut up with your legacy stuff.”

• Malcolm Smith. That’s all. Malcolm Smith. I still say Manny Ramirez changed the game more, but Malcolm Smith anyway.

• If there was an ad you liked, you should lose custody of your television to a family of gibbons.

• And finally, the pressure is now on Santa Clara, host of Super Bowl L, to see to it that (a) it rains like crazy on game day, and (b) the cost of a mug of hot chocolate costs no less than $35. Okay boys, now get out there and gouge like gouging has never been gouged before.

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There are only 365 days until Puppy Bowl XI, and PBS is already working on “Kennel Of Denial.”

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Mark Cuban tweeted this:

I HAD SAFETY ON THE FIRST PLAY IN VEGAS !!!!!!!!!! 1mm to 1.. $20mm BABY. #Unbelievable

Then he tweeted this:

Psych :).

My God, that’s clever. Stern should come out of retirement and fine you the million just for being lame.

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Nearly two-thirds of the money bet went to the Broncos, proving yet again that if you’re making the call, you are probably going to please only the guy who’s taking the call.

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David Shaw was on the field after the game to congratulate Richard Sherman and Doug Baldwin after Seattle's Super Bowl win.

Jim Harbaugh is composing a note now, to be sent before Flag Day. Or after. Or just stuffed in a bottle and shipped out with the tide.

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And finally, the next thing you need to see on the NFL Network is whatever it airs that isn’t the scouting combine. No matter what you think, if you’re watching that, you’re more hopeless than the people who care about the Super Bowl ads.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com