49ers not ready for regular season, but everyone else is

49ers not ready for regular season, but everyone else is
August 24, 2014, 10:15 pm
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Anyone can be a good sport and have fun doing it, but it takes special people to ruin a kid’s outlook on games. So get out there and complain about something stupid. America’s counting on you.
Ray Ratto

When it occurs to you that the NBA's Atlantic Division, or the NFC East, or the NHL's Southeast, or even the Sun Belt Conference is too awful to endure, let us acquaint you with the Eastern Conference of the Canadian Football League.

After this weekend's games, the Toronto Argonauts lead the division at 3-6, followed by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats at 1-6, and the Montreal Alouettes and Ottawa RedBlacks at 1-7. That's 6-26 total, and four of those wins have been against their fellow division non-rivals. Two have come this month (in only 16 games).

In other words, stop bitching about the 49ers or Raiders. You could be an Argos fan, leading your division comfortably and ashamed to say so.

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It was a good week for Little League, which could use it. Mo’ne Davis, the Chicago Jackie Robinson West team, the South Koreans (and their postgame handshake line with the Chicago team after Sunday’s championship), the Dave Belisle speech to his Cumberland RI team after they were eliminated . . . all good stuff, as these things go.

Which of course reminds us that you parents out there will have to step your game up next year and be even more obnoxious than ever. Anyone can be a good sport and have fun doing it, but it takes special people to ruin a kid’s outlook on games. I know you’re up to it (or down to it), so get out there and complain about something stupid. America’s counting on you.

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The 49ers still haven’t impressed anyone on offense, which leads to the usual snotty cries of “Why does Greg Roman hate me and my unborn children?” and “Colin Kaepernick is overrated,” and “Parking sucks.” Twitter, after all, is the new Customer Service.

In other words, while the team may not be ready for the regular season, everyone else is.

[RELATED: Kaepernick not concerned with 49ers' sputtering offense]

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Yasiel Puig tried to score from second base on a grounder to third Sunday, because Yasiel Puig. What made this special was that it completed the great white elk of triple plays – the 5-4-3-2, which hasn’t been done since, well, who cares really?

It was, however, Puig’s second triple play of the year, after a 7-2-4 by Cleveland on July 2 in which he was thrown out at second base trying to advance after a line out and throw to home plate.

Credit where due – he is reinventing the old saw, “Never make the third out at first, second, third or home when there have already been two outs made on the play. Unless, well, you know.”

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The NFL Network chose not to show the Rams-Browns replay in which Sam Bradford blew out his ACL, because the Browns disregarded the ban on virtual signage during practice games. You know, the Toyota Red Zone abomination in the 49ers practice opener a couple of week ago.

[REPORT: Rams QB Bradford suffers torn ACL]

The league is still working on its own model, in which viewers’ eyes will be embedded with the advertising, which will go away only with expensive surgery done exclusively by ophthalmologists licensed exclusively by The National Football League.

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The noted Boston Globe writer, concert flautist and getaway car driver Chad Finn offered some free advice to Denver wide receiver Wes Welker, who even in his current damaged state (he was brain-clocked by Houston safety D.J. Swearinger) will naturally ignore it.

“I'm not usually one to suggest when a professional athlete should call it a career. For so many — probably the majority — it's a fulfillment of a lifelong pursuit, and a lucrative fulfillment at that . . . but man, it's tempting to suggest Wes Welker should retire from football right now. Last night, he suffered his third concussion — not of his career, but in the last nine games he has played, including the preseason and last postseason.”

And if Welker did decide way more than normal was truly enough, he could say his last play was one in which Peyton Manning walked to Swearinger and said, “F--- you.” Yes, from the guy who once described an athletic trainer at Tennessee as having “a vulgar mouth.”

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We hesitate to bring this up because of the drought, but the ice bucket challenge has now reached a new high – and hard. In the Los Angeles Times, Bill Plaschke visited Darryl Sutter at his Viking, Alberta, farm and reported that he did his out behind the barn with barely any witnesses (which is so Darryl), but across the pond, the players for PSV Eindhoven decided that wouldn’t do, so they had the local cops bring in the water cannons for extra oomph, courtesy Metro.co.uk.

Next up: Cliff diving while holding a safe.

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And finally, Burger King is in negotiations to buy Tim Horton’s. If the Horton’s name is lost as a result of some tax-based shenanigans, we may as well give up and become Albania.