Four messages to panicky Warriors fans

Four messages to panicky Warriors fans
March 31, 2014, 9:15 pm
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Act like you’ve been there before even though it is clear by fact and by reactions that neither you nor they have indeed been anywhere.
Ray Ratto

A petition with more than 100,000 signatures was presented to the White House asking that Opening Day be declared a national holiday, which the White House promptly funneled to Congress.

Of course, nobody exactly covered what Opening Day is Opening Day – the one in Australia, the one on Sunday Night which everybody already has off, the Monday one which many teams began their seasons on, or the Tuesday one for the willfully late.

Moreover, knowing Congress as we do, there is a much better chance of getting the first day of hunting season, the first day of football spring practice or Herbert Hoover’s birthday than Opening Day. Besides, the NFL already had the first day of the draft, combine, the day the new schedule is released and Roger Goodell’s birthday in the pipeline before this.

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There is nothing more inherently amusing than watching Warriors fans turn on a dime about their team and its coach. Friday night their heroes beat Memphis, 100-93, and all was good with all things Oracloid. Sunday, their heroes lost to New York, 89-84, and Mark Jackson is being blamed for ruining everyone’s lives by not taking a late-second quarter time out.

So four things:

1) Your team has been awful for 35 years and is no more.
2) The Warriors weren’t going to win 60 games ever, so stop acting like they should have.
3) The Jackson soap opera won’t be played out until the season ends, at which point you can all hold your breaths until your next door neighbor turns blue.
4) And finally, act like you’ve been there before even though it is clear by fact and by reactions that neither you nor they have indeed been anywhere.

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There is a Legends of Basketball tour currently in Argentina, it involves Gary Payton, Latrell Sprewell and Vin Baker, among others. One of the others is Dennis Rodman, who played Sunday’s game in Buenos Aires in drag.

Sorry. I got nothing.

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According to the chart by the way-too-curious-for-her-own-good Molly Fitzpatrick at Swimmingly, you now know which ballparks to go to to propose marriage – that is, if you don’t mind looking like a complete weenie.

- Pittsburgh is cheapest ($39) and more than 10 times cheaper than Philadelphia ($450). Evidently if you have the itch, drive west.
- It costs twice as much to ring up in San Francisco ($175) as in Oakland ($85), so save the extra $90 for beer and take in an American League game.
- Tampa Bay and Miami each charge $500 per proposal while knowing full well the highest divorce rates in the country are in Florida. There is apparently no discount for do-overs, false starts or practice marriages.
- It’s $2500 at Dodger Stadium, which seems like brilliant marketing given that the divorce rates in Los Angeles must surely be astronomical, except that L.A. divorce rates are actually quite low, meaning that the Dodgers want to get it while it’s there to be gotten. Besides, according to YoubLAWg.com, the metropolitan centers with the five lowest divorce rates all have baseball teams: “According to a study conducted by the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies, people who live in cities with baseball teams are 28 percent less likely to be divorced. It is speculated that this may be because baseball games tend to be fun and give spouses a chance to speak to each other as friends.” Liars.
- The first proposal of the new year happened in Chicago at Twins-White Sox, at a mere pittance of $55, or three craft beers in Yankee Stadium.
- And five parks (Baltimore, Kansas City, Los Angeles Angels, New York Mets and Toronto) don’t offer proposals at all, apparently completely comfortable that you’re still getting it on the sly in the parking lot waiting for the postgame traffic to clear.

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The Washington Post reported Friday that the man heading Washington Humans owner Danny Snyder’s Original Americans Foundation also heads an organization that had a $1 million contract with the Bureau of Indian Affairs terminated after federal investigators found the group’s work “unusable.”

In other words, Danny’s not even trying to hide it any more.

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And finally, Ryan Braun got a standing ovation in Milwaukee Monday, proving yet again that every PED user not on your favorite team is cheating, conniving weaselly bastard, and every PED user on your team deserves the support and care of the people who pay to love him, with support and care including the hatred of all those who do not.

Otherwise known as the Bonds Effect.

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