First and foremost, to the women of the 2015 World Cup who are threatening legal action against FIFA and the Canadian organizers if the plans to hold the event on six artificial turf stadiums are not altered in the 10 months between now and then: Here’s hoping you triumph spectacularly.
But if you need faster action, we recommend a series of bribes. When it comes to FIFA, apparently it’s a problem-solver that has never failed.
X X X
Steve Ballmer just released his E-mail in a rousing speech to Los Angeles Clippers fans, which was captured in embarrassingly drooly fashion by a number of Los Angeles journalists who were so happy to not see the decaying leather satchel that is Donald Sterling that they chose to conflate Ballmer with Winston Churchill.
And as an aside, Ballmer in one afternoon has turned Joe Lacob relatively mute by comparison.
But we digress. In case you need to complain about DeAndre Jordan, Sballmer@clippers.com is your place to grouse, because he declared among other things, “I'll boldly say the Clippers will win many, many, many many more Larrys in the next 26 (years) than the last 26.” Somewhere, LeBron James is saying, “I tried that already, stupid.”
Nobody has yet reported this as a possibility, but screening his E-mails looks like a job for the team’s Number One Fan.
[RELATED: Ballmer makes debut as LA Clippers owner]
X X X
If you’re wondering whether Brian Hoyer or Johnny Manziel should start at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns and worse, you want to bet on it (Hoyer minus-280 according to BetOnline), you either: live in Cleveland, have been brainwashed by a spectacularly unimaginative and slack-witted media, have a vested interest in one of them getting his brains kicked in . . .
. . . or you need to get yourself to a meeting, fast.
X X X
Say, like Jerry Jones, who according to a new book on Manziel (sadly enough, called “Manziel Mania”) by veteran Dallas sportswriter Jim Dent had to be physically restrained by his son Stephen from drafting Manziel. According to the Dallas Morning News:
“I could just see Jones grabbing Manziel with the 16th choice of the first round,” Dent writes. “I wrote a book about Jerry Jones in 1995 titled ‘King of the Cowboys.’ I know the Boss Hog. I knew that Jones' hands were shaking when the Cowboys went on the clock with Manziel still on the board. I could envision Jones scribbling the name of Johnny Manziel on the draft card. Indeed, all of these things happened.
“As it turned out, Cowboys vice president Stephen Jones had snatched the Manziel card straight out of his dad's hand. Otherwise, Jerry would have drafted him and JFF would have sat for at least three years behind Tony Romo.”
So yes, if you feel an irrational need to hate Manziel for any reason at all, this is as good as it gets. Until tomorrow, when something even more stupid will come along.
X X X
Phil Simms is mulling over not using the R-word when he and Jim Nantz do the New York-Washington game next month, according to Associated Press. This of course will be cited as proof of pro-Giants bias by people who are lonely, dull and worthy of being avoided in any social situation.
And why, you ask. Because that’s what people do when they’ve decided to keep their world view in a take-out box.
X X X
One thing to help the 49ers’ new digs: A cooler name than Denim Pants Stadium. Say, like Burnley’s stadium, a grand old box named Turf Moor. Sure, you don’t get money out of it, but frankly, the new stadium could use all the cool it can get.
Or a touchdown. Maybe even both.
[RATTO: First game at Levi's, 49ers fans channel Dodgers counterparts]
X X X
Speaking of the new dump (as opposed to the old dump up the road), a lot of mileage has been had by the PSV Eindhoven Ultras, a fan group for the Dutch team, which held up a protest sign that reads “F--- WiFi. Support The Team.”
That was during a 6-1 win over NAC Breda. Forty-Niner fans were mostly unhappy that there was spotty WiFi in a game in which the 49ers scored fewer points than NAC Breda. So it all depends on what gets you going – expensive ballpark food that comes without you leaving your seat but with an additional fee, or winning.
[RELATED: 49ers unanimous in their reviews on Levi's Stadium]
X X X
The lowlight of Manchester United’s opening day loss to Swansea Saturday was not necessarily Manchester United’s opening day loss to Swansea, but Ashley Young’s mouth, which was gastrically assaulted by a rogue bird during the game and caught on camera.
Well, let’s put it another way. It was the lowlight of Ashley Young’s day. After Louis Van Gaal banished three of his players to team purgatory for being superfluous to needs after one game, the lowlight was getting fired. And for Van Gaal, the lowlight was discovering that he looks exactly like the eponymous star of the 1941 Warner Brothers cartoon, The Crackpot Quail.
So now that I think of it, the high point of Manchester United’s day probably WAS when the bird dumped in Young’s mouth.
X X X
And finally, if you bought Vernon Davis stock, it just paid off at 70 cents a share, so no, you don’t get to retire. But if you had bought Jimmy Graham fine insurance . . . well, now you’re on Easy Street.