Hey, who wants to see Steve Kerr’s head explode?

Hey, who wants to see Steve Kerr’s head explode?
June 1, 2014, 5:15 pm
This is what happens when a game gets out of hand early, and why Krukow, Flemming, Duane Kuiper and Jon Miller are The Four Tongues Of The Apocalypse.
Ray Ratto

It’s always a good day for lawyers swimming around rich folks, which is one of the reasons extraterrestrials have stopped coming around –- the intergalactic disgust.

But since Friday afternoon, the lawyers have been doing particularly showy work. Between the Sterlings, Phil Mickelson’s IRS investigation for alleged insider trading with one of the most famous Las Vegas pro gamblers, the World Cup referee fixers, the World Cup bid fixers and the NCAA video games likeness trial, that’s pretty much what sports is now. In other words, if you’re watching the games, you’re missing the games.

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By the way, bend this around your skull a minute. Tim Duncan has been on the winning team 622 times as an NBA player, and LeBron James 621 times. It doesn’t mean anything, of course, but it’s just weirdo math –- as opposed to sabermetrics.

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This just in: If you’re trying to draw conclusions about the U.S. World Cup side based on their matches against Azerbaijan or Turkey, you will look ridiculous. Also, you will be ridiculous. And if you’re still pining for Landon Donovan, you’ve already become ridiculous. The civil war is over, Johnny Reb. Give up, and wait for the real games.

But that’s an admonition wasted on the air, because there has never been a greater abandonment of journalistic neutrality quite like the USMNT. The fervor in the stands barely matches that in the press boxes, broadcast booths and internet. I almost feel compelled to root for Ghana, Portugal and Germany just as a protest. Or just because that’s the kind of sniveling little invertebrate I am. I’m good with either explanation.

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Hey, who wants to see Steve Kerr’s head explode? Yeah, that’s what I thought, which is why I am starting a trade rumor in which the key components are Klay Thompson and Lance Stephenson. I don’t know what the other pieces would be, and I don’t much care, but I’d like to hear the head coach break into cliché mode and explain how such a deal would “enhance our team’s character.”

Hey, that’s what Kerr gets for almost agreeing to coach the Knicks.

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Why the Giants’ broadcast team may need to read fewer promotional items, No. 446:

Mike Krukow to Dave Flemming: “You'll have to help me out here, partner. What's a Hello Kitty plush?”

Dave Flemming to Mike Krukow: “You're asking me?”

The answer, of course, is that it’s the new Panda Hat from the people who would cheerfully sell a cat to a bird for $59.95. Next up in the catalog, a 3-by-5-foot sign that says, “Don’t Swing The Bat” for the next time a relief pitcher bats, and a plastic wastebasket painted black and orange called the Colvin Coal Bin, for the team’s burgeoning West Virginia fan base.

The second answer is, this is what happens when a game gets out of hand early, and why Krukow, Flemming, Duane Kuiper and Jon Miller are The Four Tongues Of The Apocalypse.

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Ernests Gulbis of Latvia, who ejected Roger Federer from the French Open Sunday, fell on his racket when he addressed the fans afterward.

“I’m sorry I had to win,” Gulbis said after winning in five sets to reach the quarterfinals. “I know all of you like Roger.”

Ahh, for the good old days when athletes didn’t have to apologize for not tanking.

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And finally, after Steve Ballmer’s $2 billion purchase of the Los Angeles Clippers (and God only knows how many favors the NBA will be doing him for pulling them off so many of the Sterling family’s legal hooks with that), the second biggest team purchase of the weekend comes at -– yes, you guessed it -– Doncaster Rovers, a very very teensy weensy soccer team in England which is about to be bought by the way-out-of-your-demographic One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson.

Tomlinson, whose last bout with fame was being pilloried in the genteel British press for filming fellow band member Zain Malik allegedly smoking pot in Peru (look, I don’t know any more than you do about this, and I care far less than you ever will), is supposed to buy his childhood team (he’s 21, so make of "childhood" whatever you will) with businessman and current club part-owner John Ryan as partner.

Doncaster Rovers? One Direction? Frankly, this kind of makes me wonder about that Peru story a little more.