Jerry Jones: 40-year-old brain trapped in 70-year-old body

Jerry Jones: 40-year-old brain trapped in 70-year-old body
August 28, 2013, 7:30 pm
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I’ve been told that I have, by Cat-Scans, that it’s like the brain of a 40-year-old
Jerry Jones

I completely believe Don Mattingly when he says Skip Schumaker gave the Dodgers a better chance to win Wednesday’s game against the Cubs. I completely believe him when he says he didn’t punish Yasiel Puig for not fully hustling, even though he yanked Puig from the game after Puig decided not to slide into second base on a double play grounder.

But I very definitely believe most of all that Fredi Gonzalez (Braves), Clint Hurdle (Pirates), Mike Matheny (Cardinals) and Dusty Baker (Reds) when they say they hope Mattingly continues to believe Skip Schumaker gives the Dodgers a better chance to win.

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Johnny Manziel has been suspended by the NCAA for the first half of Texas A&M’s season opener against Rice. And why, you ask? Because a quarter would have been insufficient to teach the valuable lessons of amateurism Manziel so brazenly flouted, and five offensive possessions would have been excessively punitive.

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Having read Rolling Stone’s piece on Aaron Hernandez by Paul Solotaroff and Ron Borges (http://tinyurl.com/o2okj87), we can only say this: We now know that Rolling Stone does not have a rights deal with the NFL. It will, however, enjoy a closer relationship with the New England legal community for awhile because, factual or not, stories that suggest that Bill Belichick told Hernandez to lay low and buy a safe house will garner a response.

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Robert Griffin III on the health of Robert Griffin III, on ESPN Radio:

“I would say I’m 100 percent, but you can’t put a number on it, no one ever knows when they are 100 percent or what percentage they’re playing at. The biggest thing is I’m not below 100 percent.”

In other words, don’t draft Robert Griffin III, unless you do. He could collapse at any second, unless he breaks every record in the book.

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An ESPN poll says essentially that almost no players really mind Alex Rodriguez at all, which is at severe variance with many hysterical members of the A-Rod-should-be-strangled-in-public-after-the-National-Anthem commentariat. The only flaws with the poll are that there isn’t a chart showing Rodriguez’ actual player approval rating, which we suspect is, “Who cares either way? It doesn’t affect me.”

But it’s nice to know that yet another MLB narrative has shattered into jagged shards. There is that.

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Napoli striker Gonzalo Higuain fell off a yacht, hit a rock and cut his face, which you do not care about. But Napoli owner and film producer Aurelio DeLaurentiis, whom you also don’t care about until right now, announced he intends to sue an entire region of Italy, Campania and Capri, for causing harm to his crossfooted resource by either refusing to clean out the seaside resort of submerged rocks, or of not revoking the law of gravity. “I saw a picture of the wound and I am willing to ask my lawyers to ask for 100 million euros in damage,” DeLaurentiis said, “a figure that I will donate to charity.”

He also says the Italian government is to blame for not providing equality in health care. As, being more than a bit certifiable, he clearly should.

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Giant fans should be ashamed of this chart (http://tinyurl.com/q37628k) of stadium beer prices: Ranking 11th is disgraceful enough, but ranking behind those raging alcoholics in Toronto is inexcusable.

In other words, except a retaliatory spike in Cha Cha bowls at any moment.

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Jerry Jones just had a CAT-scan, and according to his doctor, he has even fewer excuses for what has become of the Dallas Cowboys:

“I’ve been told that I have, by Cat-Scans, that it’s like the brain of a 40-year-old,” he told Rainer Sabin of the Dallas Morning News. “The guy really did not know it was me. I was there anonymously. He said, ‘And so I just wanted to come down. I saw your chart. I know how old you are. That part is really impressive.’”

The mind boggles to think where the Cowboys would be if he had the mind of a 70-year-old man, which is what the rest of his body is.

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When Amanda Tynes, the wife of Tampa Bay kicker Lawrence Tynes who discovered that an infected toe was caused by an outbreak of MRSA (a staph problem) at the Bucs’ headquarters, Tweeted her rebuttal to head coach Greg Schiano’s claim that Tynes and linebacker Carl Nicks were “responding well to treatment,” she clearly misunderstood. Schiano meant to say that the Bucs were responding well, by signing replacement Rian Lindell.

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And finally, the 49er linebackers get their due from the only sports source anyone should ever regard as definitive -- The Onion: http://tinyurl.com/nb7g4fs