Jim Johnson, we hardly knew ye

YSTL: Is closer-by-committee the best move for the A's?

Jim Johnson, we hardly knew ye
April 10, 2014, 8:45 pm
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It’s the A’s bullpen, and set roles are for weenies.
Ray Ratto

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In the past few days John Calipari has been linked by rumormongers to rumors, which is an efficient enough way to go about one’s business. First it was the Lakers (and Calipari isn’t taking a pay cut for a piece of that mess) and now it is the Wizards, who have just made the playoffs, through Washington Times columnist Thom Loverro.

Well, no on both, and for a very good reason. Calipari has now become the college coach at the forefront of reforming the NCAA through death. This would make him the new Jerry Tarkanian, who was just hospitalized in Las Vegas for breathing difficulties. He, too, fought the NCAA, but doing it 30 years only meant he could say he was ahead of his time, not that he won.

Calipari might. But not if he’s going to end up with the Pistons, Bucks or Pelicans.

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Of course, Calipari may end up on the NCAA’s We Don’t Like You list, in which case he can sit next to Charles Barkley, whose role as the funniest college basketball analyst in the land is now jeopardized by his line during Thursday’s Inside the NBA show, in which he said that he played against Dirk overseas at some point and was so impressed with the teenager that he offered him money to go to Auburn.

He then tossed off a line about how it would have been “the best investment since Cam Newton,” which means he managed to offer to work for Auburn, annoyed Auburn, works on NCAA telecasts and definitely pissed off the NCAA. A good day’s work, that. Well done to you, Chas.

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Okay, we need to know where Steve Schott, Bill Neukom, Chris Cohan and Greg Jamison are.

The former head men of the A’s, Giants, Warriors and Sharks now fall under suspicion of something or other based on the news from Spanish site AS.com that former Valencia team president Juan Soler was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of plotting to kidnap his successor, Vicente Soriano.

[RELATED: Sharks rookie Hertl expected to return for playoffs]

Investigators believe Soler hired hit men to kidnap Soriano in hopes of intimidating him into paying off debts of around €59 million related to the acquisition of shares in the club. It is alleged that Soler paid around €100,000 to kidnap Soriano, who no longer owns the club.

This is sad and unprofessional – if you’re going to kidnap a guy, you should do it before he retires. Hey, it’s in the handbook. Even our guys know that; that’s why John Fisher, Charlie Johnson, Joe Lacob and Hasso Plattner aren’t being held in some cabin in the woods.

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Ahh, kidnapping humor. Can’t beat it on a hot April night.

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Jim Johnson, we hardly knew ye. But we may know ye again sooner than you know. It’s the A’s bullpen, and set roles are for weenies.

[RELATED: Struggling Johnson removed from closer's role]

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The Buffalo Bills are considering a number of sites for their new stadium (where have we heard that before?), and one of them seems to be, yes, Niagara Falls, which has two advantages: One, it is closer to the team’s growing Ontario fan base, and two, there will be a lot more big-screen marriage proposals.

Great, just what we need. A Kiss-Cam, a Ring-Cam, a Bridal Shower-Cam, and a Trip To Bed Bath And Beyond-Cam. So in other words, this cannot be allowed.

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Then again, the whole Buffalo ownership thing in the wake of Ralph Wilson’s death is wacky. Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs wants to buy the team and keep it in Buffalo, and Jon Bon Jovi (yes, that one) is allegedly interested in fronting a group that might move the team to Toronto.

Well, that’s one way to save us from the Niagara Falls problem.

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Thierry Henry of the New York Red Bulls of MLS is paid more this year than the entire San Jose Earthquakes roster, and that includes Chris Wondolowski’s $600,000.

If I were Wondolowski upon learning that, I would kill myself just on the knowledge that I had been compared to that squatty middle-aged yob in San Francisco.

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And finally, former National League umpire Ed Montague ejected former Giants manager Roger Craig from the Giants’ media dining room Thursday night, which thrilled Comrade Baggarly (I leave you to chastise him for his low thrill threshold) but reminds us that Craig was one of the most easygoing managers of his era. Let’s see Montague try to toss Lou Piniella if he thinks he’s so damned clever.