Kaepernick needs new agent as soon as possible

Kaepernick needs new agent as soon as possible
August 5, 2014, 8:45 pm
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We expect that the A’s marketing wizards are already copyrighting all marsupials just to close off the market ahead of time. Hey, it worked for panda hats, remember?
Ray Ratto

Becky Hammon, the first paid woman assistant coach in NBA history, is actually not the first actual woman. That honor still goes to the unpaid/untraveled Lisa Boyer, who served on John Lucas’ 2001-2002 staff in Cleveland, and is now an assistant head coach at South Carolina. For some goofy reason, she didn’t make the team photo, and left to be a head coach in the ABL the following year.

But as for Hammon, she will not be a full-fledged assistant coach in my eyes until (a) she gets T’d up by Joey Crawford and (b) speaks dismissively to Craig Sager in a sideline interview during a TNT game because Gregg Popovich doesn’t feel like doing it.

She is, I am led to understand, up to both tasks. Indeed, Popovich already offered raves about her awhile ago when he told Inside Stuff that he compares her to Avery Johnson, Steve Kerr and Mike Budenholzer, all former Popovich disciples, and even gave her the Pop-Stamp of approval:

“She's been perfect. She knows when to talk, and she knows when to shut up. That's as simple as you can put it, and a lot of people don't figure that out.”

[RELATED: Spurs hire WNBA's Hammon as assistant coach]

This is of course true in all walks of life.

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If Mike Florio’s report is correct and Colin Kaepernick is really paying an insurance premium that the 49ers collect on, two things leap to mind:

One, the 49ers do not mind squeezing the shoes of any employee, important or no, which means not good things if Jim Harbaugh doesn’t win the Super Bowl. And two, Colin Kaepernick needs a new agent when he decides to renegotiate – which should be as quickly as possible.

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USA Today’s Bob Nightengale reports the three finalists for Bud Selig’s job – his right-hand man, Rob Manfred, his left-hand man, Tim Brosnan, and Boston Red Sox chairman Tom Werner.

The winner, who needs 23 of 30 votes by the owners, will be whoever Jerry Reinsdorf says it is.

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FIFA boss Sepp Blatter announced a new get-tough-on-bribery-of-FIFA-members policy . . . no, no, just kidding. Why the hell would he ever consider doing something as dangerous as that?

No, what he announced is that MLS is going to adopt the FIFA calendar of fall and winter soccer that most of the rest of the world already uses. This, for MLS, is marching into the busiest time of the sports calendar and becoming virtually invisible unless the opponent played in the Champions League last year. And that can’t happen because all those teams will be playing in . . . yes, the Champions League.

Right now, MLS commissioner Don Garber is pulling an intern’s hair out.

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And speaking of MLS, this, from Grant Wahl of Sports Illustrated, citing MLS president/buzzkill Mark Abbott: Promotion/relegation will “never happen” in MLS.

This is not actually true, though, as many 30-something European stars turn to MLS as a post-retirement form of relegation, only with way better pay. But to the greater point, relegation is a great idea for everyone but the owner who paid MLS prices for NASL crowds, and that’s the only reason it will “never happen.”

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The Jerry Jones bathroom photos were apparently seized by a man named Frank Hoover, who said at first he was exposing an extortion plot against the Dallas Cowboys owner, and then later said that he (Hoover, not Jones) was God.

I’d have bet serious money that the guy who thought he was God in this deal was in fact . . . nahhh, too easy. Also, it may be shooting too low.

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Speaking of owners, the night janitors at Morgan Stanley who have been handling the bids to buy the Buffalo Bills handed back the bid from Jon Bon Jovi and two Toronto megabucks types for being both ridiculously low and without sufficient assurances that the team would remain in Western New York. The bid was also soaked in spit and was stamped with “Come On, Be Serious.”

Stunningly, this puts Bon Jovi on level ground, bid-wise, with Donald Trump, and with that, we rest our case. At least until the Bon Jovis scour up more money and type up a few non-binding whoppers about wanting to stay in Buffalo, that is.

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Roger Goodell’s last few forays into public speaking have gone, and we put this politely, spectacularly poorly, revealing him as a particularly overstuffed shirt with a bad case of tone-deaf. Thus, we think he may want to go back to screwing with field goals because that is safer ground. Thus, this debate from Every Day Should Be Saturday between Ryan Nanni and Spencer Hall, two gentlemen who are not religious about taking their meds.

The highlight, for you link-averse? Hall: “I harbor any way of running the clock out, and thus making less football. Kneeldowns are the Portuguese Retirement House of football strategies. We know you're trying to just move the game to a tax shelter, drink casks of cheap wine until cirrhosis comes to call, and then die before your kids find out there's nothing in the trust funds. Field goals are slightly less abhorrent than running the clock out, but only slightly since you're actually trying to DO something with a field goal, even if that thing is a ridiculous kicking exhibition in the middle of a football game.”

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And finally, the litmus test for A’s fans and their essential cool now hangs entirely on what they do about Rally Possum. If it becomes team-sanctioned merchandise and is bought, the rogue beast will have (and you’ll excuse the mixed metaphor) jumped the shark in record time.

[REWIND: A's pull out victory on a zany night at Coliseum]

In other words, we expect that the A’s marketing wizards are already copyrighting all marsupials just to close off the market ahead of time. Hey, it worked for panda hats, remember?