Steve Blake being traded from the Lakers to the Warriors for Kent Bazemore and MarShon Brooks is essentially a tribute to the WNBA Sparks, in that the Sparks were essentially shuttered and then revivified by an ownership group that included Magic Johnson. The Lakers are doing that in their own way by backing up the truck, dumping stuff and then begging to receive nothing in compensation.
The Lakers – the Cavaliers of the West. Think of it.
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Russian hockey coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov may be gulaged for not guiding the Russian hockey team to a medal, but he’ll definitely smart off to Bad Vlad Putin on the way out the door. Here are selected highlights from his postgame de-presser:
Q: Is this a catastrophe?
A: This has certainly been an unsuccessful appearance.
A: Let's not play with words. I told you, we were unsuccessful. Call it what you will.
Q: Mr. Bilyaletdinov, in what way, exactly, do you see yourself at fault for what happened? What would you have done differently if you could turn back the clock? Maybe you should have played (Alexander) Ovechkin and (Evgeni) Malkin on separate lines. Did you want to try this, and if so, why didn't you?
A: I don't want to talk about this now. I'm at fault for everything. I didn't fulfill the task before me.
Q: What do you have to say to the fans? 12,000 came to this match and many more watched on television.
A: I apologize to the fans for this result. We were unsuccessful, and the expectations were totally different.
Q: What future, if any, do you see for your own work and for your coaching staff? Because, you know, your predecessor was eaten alive after the Olympics—
A: Well then, eat me alive right now—
Q: No, I mean—
A: Eat me, and I won't be here anymore.
Q: But we have the world championship coming up!
A: Well then, there will be a different coach because I won't exist any more, since you will have eaten me.
Q: But you're staying, aren't you?
A: Yes, I will remain living.
No, living is not enough. “Billy,” as he is known to the consonantally challenged, deserves a job for life in hockey . . . and no, not in Irkutsk.
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The Miami Dolphins just fired offensive line coach Jim Turner and head trainer Kevin O’Neill, Turner for having a more significant role in the Wells Incognito Report (sounds like a CBC news show, doesn’t it?) than O’Neill, but that was expected. What wasn’t expected was that the Dolphins flew O’Neill out to Indianapolis, where the NFL Combine begins Saturday, to do the deed.
Turner’s job will easily be filled, but the O’Neill vacancy really ought to go to Naohisa Inoue, who was the trainer who caught so much clever anti-Asian flack from Richie and The Gang. I mean, if karma matters for anything, that’s what they ought to do.
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As for O’Neill, he just won a prestigious training award a year ago, which only goes to show you – beware of men bearing strange plaques.
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Tony Stewart has created a new form of NASCAR prize money with his offer to Richard Petty to race Danica Patrick.
“I think that (a race) would pretty much settle it once and for all, maybe get him to shut up a little bit, too,” Stewart told Performance Racing Network. “I will supply the cars. If he wants to race her, I'll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance. He can drive one of my 14 cars. I don't care.
And if Patrick won? “If I were her, I'd take (the checkered flag) over there and cram it up his ass.”
I’m a bluff old traditionalist in this way, but I’m thinking Patrick would really rather have the cash. Delivered manually. And direct deposited if possible.
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And finally, a CPA on Twitter (no, we’re not providing his actual name – let him buy an ad like everyone else) tells us that Dwight Howard’s ninth technical foul of the year, and the $19K those cost, are tax deductible. And all the nation rises in unison to respond, “Oh, shut your yappy face.”
If you do not join in this sentiment, you should text your rebuttal to your own phone number, and then drop the phone in the toilet. This isn’t democracy here, you turnips-in-human-form. You agree, or you move the hell on. So have a nice day – and if we know you the way we do, it will surely be at someone else’s expense.