No, Russell Wilson, you won't become best QB ever

No, Russell Wilson, you won't become best QB ever
April 3, 2014, 7:45 pm
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But as we always like to tell the children, one person’s hematomas are another person’s hilarity, so crack open a cold one and get ready for a series that should actually be played in an abattoir.
Ray Ratto

This isn’t normally done in the news game because the beast must always be fed, but frankly, nothing of meaning happened today – unless you consider David Letterman’s retirement announcement a sports story.

That said, our search for degradation is never deterred, so it is that we lead with Missouri basketball player Zach Price, who got arrested twice Thursday, once for suspicion of assault and once for domestic assault. Crime is not normally a laughing matter, so we’ll leave it at this: Practice is important.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks are still cranky about the Los Angeles Dodgers swimming in their pool after winning the NL West last year, because in Arizona you bitch about those damned kids. Thus, the team placed someone dressed as King Neptune and a couple of mermaids at the pool to protect it from rogue opponents this week.

Two flaws in the plan, though. One, the Dodgers aren’t expected to clinch the division this weekend. And two, if it’s that big a deal, they should simply wait until the Dodgers hit the water and toss in a toaster. A hot serving of fried outfielder is usually a deterrent for the infielders.

On the other hand, Arizona law being what it typically is, the fricasseed Dodgers would probably be charged with trespassing and hauled off to jail on a large platter with a side of fries. After all, the gigantic killer corn dogs are in short supply.

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In Washington, DeSean Jackson wanted No. 10, but that belongs to Robert Griffin La Troisieme, so he got 11, which belonged to Aldrick Robinson, who is now 15. Fellow wideout Andre Roberts, on the other hand, wanted 12, so Kirk Cousins, who had 12, is now 8, which belonged to Rex Grossman, who . . . oh this is just hellish.

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Someone must have asked Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson if he thinks he can some day be the best quarterback ever, to which he responded as you would expect – modestly, but not falsely so.

“Why can’t I be the best quarterback to ever play the game one day?” he told ESPN. “I’m not right now. I’ve got a long way to go. But one day, you know?”

Well, three things. One, no he can’t, because, well, no. Two, how is he supposed to answer that question without looking like a yutz? And three, HE’S PLAYED FOR TWO ENTIRE YEARS AND ALREADY YOU’RE FETISHIZING HIS LEGACY? DOES HE LOOK LIKE TIM TEBOW TO YOU? YOU WAITED LONGER WITH BRETT FAVRE, FOR GOD’S SAKE. GET AN IDEA, AND TAKE IT OUTSIDE FOR SOME AIR!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled paragraphs.

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Sean McIndoe, a.k.a. @downgoesbrown, a.k.a. a guy who covers hockey for Grantland, proclaimed that Kings-Sharks would by far be the most fun first-round series to watch. That is, of course, debatable, but it will surely be the least fun in which to play. The loser will be beaten into submission, surgery, recovery and golf, and the winner will have so little left after seven games of unadulterated carnage that it will have no shot in the second round against either St. Louis or Anaheim.

But as we always like to tell the children, one person’s hematomas are another person’s hilarity, so crack open a cold one and get ready for a series that should actually be played in an abattoir.

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Florida State may be updating (well, mildly tweaking, anyway) its shrieking Seminole logo, which affects you any way you want it to, but we’ll say this much: the Seminole’s hair now looks more like it used to be Elvis’.

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And also via Creamer, these are the new uniforms and field for the L.A. Kiss of the Arena League, which is as you know owned by Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

Well, I’d say that’s ruined your day.

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And finally, USA Today tells us that Mike Krzyzewski will make $9,682,032 in 2014, more than any other coach in America as far as anyone knows. This news, which is not surprising, not only makes one more mockery of the athletic directors who yowl that a players union will destroy college athletics, but must make Mercer coach Bob Hoffman’s next beer taste just the eensiest bit better.