Oakland-San Jose blue ribbon committee? Never existed

Oakland-San Jose blue ribbon committee? Never existed
April 1, 2014, 9:00 pm
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The utterly fictional committee that never did anything because it didn’t actually exist is finally done as a boogey-man.
Ray Ratto

First, on this Tiger Woods thing. I don’t care what you read, or where you wrote it. I don’t care that it turned up on his web site, or that every golf writer in the world drowned in a puddle of drool leaping to the conclusion that his career was over. I don’t care if he invites eyewitnesses into the operating room, or lets everyone in the hospital take a selfie with his scar.

[RELATED: Tiger Woods undergoes procedure, to miss Masters]

It was April 1, and it was Tiger Woods, therefore I believe none of this. I say he plays the first round of The Masters disguised as Rory McElroy, shoots a 69, tears the rubberized mask off his face behind the 18th green, grows to 40 feet in height and bellows, “DOWN, YOU NONBELIEVERS, AND AVERT YOUR EYES! I AM THE ELDRICK AND I SHOT THREE-UNDER WITH A VELCRO STRIP NEXT TO MY SPINE! APOLOGIZE TO YOUR INTERGALACTIC LORD, AND THEN GO OUT AND BUY NIKE STUFF!”

Hey, it’s Lent. It’s an excellent time for doubt.

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Morris Dalla Costa, a columnist for the London (Ontario) Free Press, was ejected from the seventh game of the National Basketball League playoff series between London and Windsor after he tweeted a pregame altercation between a London player and a few Windsor players. Seems the team owner and the commissioner of the league didn’t like his coverage much.

I would like to extend to Mr. Dalla Costa an invitation to tell me how he managed this, because there are lots of events I’d like to be kicked out of – starting with nearly every staff meeting I’ve ever been invited to attend.

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Wayne Rooney, diving in the Manchester United-Bayern Munich Champions league match top get Bayern’s Bastian Schweinsteiger – classy. Well, I guess he’s all for David Moyes coming back, even at the detriment of his own reputation.

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The A’s first rainout in 16 years is more proof that the blue ribbon committee still deliberating on the differences between Oakland and San Jose is maintaining its iron grip on John Fisher’s delicates.

Actually, it’s nothing of the sort, except to the tinfoil hats who still see a conspiracy in Oakland remaining in Oakland. In other words, the utterly fictional committee that never did anything because it didn’t actually exist is finally done as a boogey-man.

So safe passage to the fiction aisle at Books Inc., blue ribbonettes. We hardly knew ye. And for good reason.

[RELATED: A's to host Wednesday doubleheader after rainout]

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Donald Trump, entrepreneur, mobile punch line and gasbag to the stars, said Tuesday that he has been contacted by a group looking to purchase the Buffalo Bills. “People have actually talked to me about the Bills," Trump told a Buffalo radio station. “I mean, the group of people called me (and asked if he would) be interested in investing, and I'll take a look at it. I mean, I look at a lot of things. I'll take a look at it.”

America now has added incentive to entreat the deity of choice for the return of Ralph Wilson from the afterlife.

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Trump is also allegedly interested in buying famed Oregon golf course Bandon Dunes. So while America is rooting for Wilson, it might spare a few seconds to also support the idea of Oregon being annexed by a foreign power that does not allow Americans to own property.

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And finally, Stanford’s women’s basketball team is back in the Final Four for the 11th time, and while this is no place for rooting interests (as my favorite team has always been, well, me), this is as good a time as any for a school to get a championship for an Ogwumike, in this case Chiney.

[RELATED: Stanford heading to Final Four after win over UNC]

Or maybe, if you’re sticklers for accuracy (and you’re reading this, so how adamant must you be?), this is as good a time as any for an Ogwumike to get a championship for a school.

That said, because Connecticut is Connecticut and may always be, it’s probably not the way to bet . . . and if you’re betting college women’s basketball, you have reached a level of degeneracy that even an intervention cannot help.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com