Pence sends the message Puig, Manziel aren't

Pence sends the message Puig, Manziel aren't
August 29, 2013, 5:45 pm
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Why can’t Hunter Pence show he cares about the Giants by running into more fences?
Ray Ratto


Wyoming tweeted this picture of its uniforms for Saturday's game against Nebraska. (TWITTER)

Yasiel Puig is about to be the latest old-sportswriter/new-sportswriter arguing ground, especially now that the old sportswriters who thought the Dodgers needed to come down on him for acts unbecoming a superhero have seen the Dodgers come down on him for acts unbecoming a superhero. It’s not really a very enjoyable pastime, watching people type at each other with varying levels of disdain-bordering-on-contempt, but it seems to keep them busy enough to give Johnny Manziel a rest.

This old sportswriter, on other hand, is working the field less plowed, as in: Why can’t Hunter Pence show he cares about the Giants by running into more fences?

[RELATED: Puig's success forcing Giants to rethink this winter]

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Paul Solotaroff, the principal author of the Aaron Hernandez piece in Rolling Stone, told radio megaface Jim Rome he believes former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez killed Odin Lloyd, but doesn’t think a jury of 12 will convict him. He also believes Hernandez will play again after he does what little time he does do.

“I see him in the NFL in three years,” Solotaroff said. “There will be multiple teams coming after him when he steps out of prison. I’m guessing he does two and a half to three years for these guns charges and he gets a clean walk on murder one.”

That’ll play well with his good pal Bobby Kraft.

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Wait, Jim Crane and the Houston Astros DIDN’T make $99 million this year? Well, there goes my Sportsman of the Year vote.

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Speaking of stories that lasted only a few minutes, Mike Budenholzer, the new coach of the Atlanta Hawks, was pulled over and arrested on a DUI charge Thursday morning. Then My Fox Atlanta upgraded the incident to claim he faced charges on “alcohol, drugs, multiple substances,” and then just as quickly as it had been posted, it was taken back down again.

[NEWS: Hawks coach Budenholzer arrested on DUI charge]

The upshot: Based on the reporting, either Budenholzer is about to be fired, about to go into rehabilitation or about to do some community service.

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Psychological Science, which is a magazine you can find only on that coffee table next to you right before the therapist opens the door and says your weekly session can begin, reports that people are more likely to eat unhealthy food after the local sports team loses than after it wins. The study, performed by French scientists so you know it is extra garlic-y, said in part, “On the Mondays following a Sunday NFL game, saturated-fat and food-calorie intake increase significantly in cities with losing teams, decrease in cities with winning teams, and remain at their usual levels in comparable cities without an NFL team or with an NFL team that did not play. These effects are greater in cities with the most committed fans, when the opponents are more evenly matched, and when the defeats are narrow.”

There is no indication yet that the study will be expanded to examine what happens when your team wins but doesn’t cover.

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As someone who has always valued the entertainment efforts of our friends at Bravo in the same way that one values dry rot, I wish to report that the new Internet rage of evaluating uniforms is simply one more bit of compromised paneling to be replaced.

And why, you ask, should we not care that Maryland’s football uniforms are still a tribute to schizophrenia, or that the San Jose Sharks’ idea of a retro look is practice jerseys? Allow me to elucidate.

1.      Paul Lukas did it way before you with his UniWatch blog, you twerp, and if you don’t credit him every time you do this, you are a creatively felonious swine.
2.      Fashion writing works only as a festival of snark, the more bilious the better. If you’re not Charlie Brooker with a face full of crank, you’re probably not up to the task (we’d link a brief example, but they have the odd, accurate, on-point and completely in-context bad word).
3.      Why is your taste so much better than anyone else’s? I mean, when did that coup happen? Was there some secret election in which you were the only voter, and how did we miss it?
4.      Fashion is just a cheap version of haughty people’s fascism anyway. “You should dress better?” Well, you should express yourself in an oxygenless environment more often.

That said, who thought of those Wyoming uniforms, and how much drinking was done to come to that eye-searing conclusion?

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The notion that Logan Morrison and Donovan Solano of the Miami Marlins slid into the same base at the same time is not that striking. They’re the Marlins, after all, and averaging fewer than 3.2 runs per game makes base running of any kind a veritable luxury. No, the surprise here is that the base in question was third.


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And finally, Thursday provided us with the fresh hell of16 NFL fourth-week practice games, more or less at the same time, which is the equivalent of Roger Goodell personally coming to your home, ringing the doorbell, leaving a bag of the dog’s business on the stoop, waiting for you to answer the door, kicking you in the stomach and taking your car keys.

And then lighting the bag.

That said, how about that Terrelle Pryor? If he doesn’t start Opening Day for the Raiders in the 3-13 season that is to come, our will to go on is compromised, and we will have reached rock bottom.

[RELATED: Raiders offense can cater to Pryor]

Except of course for the even grislier thought of Roger Goodell boosting your car and desecrating your porch. Which, if a sponsor can be found, will totally happen, and probably to a Cleveland fan.