Pence's scooter now part of automotive circle of life

Pence's scooter now part of automotive circle of life
May 26, 2014, 9:30 pm
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Of all the camouflage hats worn in the major leagues Monday, those of the Toronto Blue Jays were the phoniest.
Ray Ratto

Hunter Pence’s missing scooter has not won America’s attention the way it should – no naked people joyriding the scooter, no Dodger fans decorating the scooter in blue ribbons, no pictures of the scooter holding up a newspaper to verify the date and the fact that the scooter still lives, nothing.

Frankly, this sounds a lot less like your standard famous-guy-leaves-belonging-unattended-for-any-cheese-blintz-to-steal-and-the-parts-are-halfway-to-Sri-Lanka love story, and more like “Hey, nobody’s looking, let me grab this.” In other words, it’s been sold and painted and sold again already, never to be seen again, not even for a signed bobblehead (I mean, how badly does the guy want this thing anyway?).

In sum, it’s all part of the automotive circle of life. Next time, chain it to something.

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Former boxer Vitali Klitschko, who is believed to be a future leader of Ukraine, just won election as the mayor of Kyiv, the country’s largest city, by unanimous decision. The judges scored it 118-112, 117-112 and “Please Don’t Hit Me, Mister Mayor Sir.”

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Today’s What Bizarro Universe Are We Living In Moment: Clippers’ assistant Alvin Gentry, who has been mentioned often as the best candidate for Steve Kerr’s coaching staff in Oakland, is interviewing to be the Lakers’ head coach. Hope he has to think about it for a long time, which will give you time to consider how the Lakers need a head coach who works for the Clippers and is coveted by the Warriors.

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Every time I read what a team gave Derek Jeter on his last time its city, I am instinctively taken to the touching scene at the end of “Slap Shot” where the Syracuse Bulldogs forfeit the championship game to the Charlestown Chiefs because team captain Tim (Doctor Hook) McCracken has coldcocked the referee for not forfeiting the Chiefs because Michael Ontkean is skating around the rink in only his jock.

Anyway, the referee, having ejected the Bulldogs, skates the trophy up to Paul Newman and says with utter disgust, “Here you go, you bum.”

That’s what I’d like just one time for Jeter, not because of any animus but because why the hell not.

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Of all the camouflage hats worn in the major leagues Monday, those of the Toronto Blue Jays were the phoniest. Well, what we mean is, it’s illegal in Canada for non-military personnel to wear precise Canadian military camouflage, so the Jays had to improvise or be thrown in jail, and that wouldn’t do at all.

The other 29 teams managed to get through their days without being confused by enemy combatants and shelled, though, and cap normalcy returns on Tuesday.

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The New York Mets got to the root of their problems yet again Monday, firing hitting coach Dave Hudgens. It better be because he was secretly taping conversations of the other coaches, and not because the Mets think they’re actually better than they really are.

But maybe New Jersey governor Chris Christie will give up his dream of being Sandy Alderson now for the dream of teaching Travis D’Arnaud how to hit the curve ball.

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Cristiano Ronaldo, noted man of the people, took a swipe at the Brazilian government for making such a horrible shambles of the World Cup preparations. “The stadiums will be ready one way or another,” he said last week, “but the legacy for the population, the works of infrastructure, of urban mobility, airports -- it's a shame that they are running so late. We wasted so much time. The governments should have done things much earlier. It could have been perfect, if everything that had been promised was delivered, but . . . it's the fault of governments who did not keep their promises.”

Only the Portuguese international is also a ceremonial member of the local organizing committee, so columnist Guilherme Gomes of Lance!, Brazil's sports daily, thought to chime in.

“I honestly don't know what is worse,” Gomes wrote, “ to have seen Ronaldo over the last few years praising, defending and drooling over FIFA, the government, the CBF (Brazil's football association) and everything involved with the World Cup, or seeing him now, in the final straight, ‘discovering’ the economic, political and social barbarities committed in the name of the event! It would have been better had he kept quiet. Or if he had done a mea culpa, confess that he made a mistake and that his image was used to defend and promote a World Cup full of problems and that he is full of regrets.”

I wonder if anyone will mention that when Portugal plays the U.S. June 22.

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And finally, this Memorial Day thought from comedian Mike Birbiglia:

“I love the troops because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops.”

Then he hashtagged Happy Memorial Day, which cut the laughs a bit, but what the hell, it’s a holiday.