In praise of a child's Steeler-aimed snark

In praise of a child's Steeler-aimed snark
December 17, 2013, 10:45 pm
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Ray Ratto doesn't tip his hat very often. Seven-year-old Nicholas Andrew Johnson earned one, though. (USATSI)

Today, we begin with literacy, first from Cincinnati, where seven-year-old Nicholas Johnson wrote a letter of support to his new favorite Bengal, facially compromised punter Kevin Huber, to wit:

Dear Kevin,
I hope you feel better soon. I am mad at the Steelers because you are my #1 player. I am 7 years old and love the Bengals and Bearcats. I know you played for the Bearcats and Bengals and I love the teams. I hope that Steeler player loses his house and has to live in a car.
Get well soon,
Nicholas Andrew Johnson.

“Loses his house and has to live in a car.” Seven-year-olds don’t typically snark that well. Hats off to you, Nick.


And then up north to Toronto, where Maple Leafs coach Randy Carlyle was asked the no-win question about his team in crisis after losing at home to Florida:

“It’s a crisis that we haven't won enough games. That's the way I would deem it.”

“Deem.” I knew Carlyle had some smarts behind his quizzical dismissal of stupid questions, but “deem" is indeed impressive work. Most coach would never “deem” anything.


And now, back to the normal turgidity, and 49ers fans’ response to Seattle fans’ buying a stadium brick in Santa Clara: A $7000 billboard near Century Link Field with five Super Bowl trophies and the legend, “How Many Do You Have?” The fans raised more money than needed for the billboard and donated the excess to Seattle Children’s Hospital, a homey thought for this time of year.

Now we’ll see how many arrests there are if the 49ers and Seahawks meet in January.


And because acts of kindness sometimes are not overrated, the Texas Bowl has now risen from low-level don’t-give-much-a-damn-ery to The Best Bowl Of The Postseason, because of Be edified here.


The Hall of Fame ballot next year will be 63 pages long if this guy is right about Greg Maddux and only Greg Maddux getting in this time.

Cool. Let’s make it a bank vault and just put a sign in front of the hall reading: “Baseball Stopped Two Years Ago. Nothing To See. Go Hunting Or Birdwatching Or Find A Bar Or Something.”


Jose Canseco is Tweeting that he knows how to fix the Texas football program, namely Jose Canseco as head coach at Texas. I wish this was more amusing, but he has now entered Old Person Feeding Birds In The Park By Hurling Canned Goods At Them territory, and that’s not nearly as much fun as it was when Monty Python did the skit about it 40 years ago.

Then again, what is?


Stephen Curry all you want, but if you’re not seeking out a daily diet of Portland’s Damian Lillard, you are not a basketball fan and should be bitten very hard on the top of your skull by an opossum for saying you are.


And finally, with that in mind, if you don’t want your heads bitten again, you should bookmark The meaning is self-evident, and it is updated hourly. Most people aren’t updated hourly, so there.