Starting with the easy one first, Michael Sam represents the Fourth Step of full acceptance of gays in America. There are seven, and we know this because we just made them up, and if you can't trust us to make up nonsense and pass it off as genuine, who can you trust?
1. Football is the biggest deal in all of American entertainment, and if we know anything about America, it is defined by its need for entertainment – even above education, health, social and economic justice, and reality television shows involving pawn shops, bridal shops, or beekeepers.
2. Acknowledging that gays have played in the National Football League without any teams ever imploding from the shame.
3. Having prominent ex-players say in public that gays did not and do not pose a threat to the league or its fellow players.
5. Sam getting through training camp and making the Rams’ 53-man roster.
6. Sam becoming an impact player on defense.
And now the big one . . .
7. Having a quarterback who has declared his homosexuality before the draft go first, win the starting job on an eventual champion and throw for 40 touchdowns and 4,500 yards a year for his entire career.
And why is No. 7 the big one, you ask? Because now homophobes must answer the age-old question that has troubled mankind forever:
"Would I rather win my fantasy league with a gay quarterback, or lose with an inferior straight one?"
You get to the root of that conundrum, and you’ve got the egalitarian world we all crave, my friend. Oh, you still have hate, but at least the holdouts will have to pay the enlightened/greedy/self-directed ones for the privilege of their stupid opinions.
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It will take some time, though, because some folks just don’t want to get it. Like, say, Bad Vlad Putin, whose latest insertion into the sports world was to play in a hockey game at the Night Hockey League festival in Sochi. He scored multiple times and also earned a few assists against gulag-shy competitors, and opened up the question, “So who would have the guts to level this guy when he wasn’t looking up trying to enter the zone?”
The answer, of course, is Boston’s Milan Lucic, who we can all agree is just that nuts.
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Of all the Mother’s Day fetishizing around ballparks Sunday, the ace was played by Milwaukee’s Chris Gomez, who dyed his goatee pink as a tribute to DOM (Dear Old Mom). There was no indication that his mother actually approved, but let’s be honest – an empty gesture is always considered better than none at all, and unless Mom specifically said, “I’d really rather have a Ferrari than you looking like a Mary Kay-issue billy goat,” Gomez is probably in the clear.
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Newsday has ferreted out the thing we have known for months – Major League Baseball knowingly and deliberately bought the stolen documents it used to crush Alex Rodriguez. This is one more reason why Bud Selig should go to the Hall of Fame only as part of Rodriguez’ class, because two crimes don’t make one right, but they also don’t make what they should.
Namely, seven-to-15 at Dannemora.
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Houston Chronicle writer John McClain was so sure the Texans would draft a quarterback in the first round that he promised to eat the sports page if they didn’t. They didn’t, and so he did.
In New York, Daily News writer Manish Mehta said he would hitchhike home if the Jets, whom he covers, did not trade any of its 12 draft picks. They didn’t, and so he did.
In other words, people who work for teams don’t pay attention to the media unless there’s a chance to make individual members look silly. Or, frankly, any other time.
Thus, here’s our contribution. Jim Harbaugh has offered to eat the entire bound blueprints to the 49ers’ new stadium if we notice that he will start Colin Kaepernick in Game 1.
Hey, they read the stories, we watch the depth chart.
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Speaking of which, what will be cooler than to go to The Castro on November 2 to watch Rams at 49ers? Nothing, that's what. Yes, we know there are gays everywhere in the Bay Area, but The Castro still does the best spectacles, and having 50,000 Rams fans and 50,000 49ers’ fans gathering at 17th and Market and working south is so happening.
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And finally, Donald Sterling’s interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper tells us a number of things, depending on who does the interpreting, but it certainly tells us this:
There is a dull banging sound in the distance, and it is that of Sterling’s lawyer hitting himself in the face repeatedly with a mallet just in anticipation of what his client will do next to sabotage himself and his case.
Next up: Sterling says it wasn’t him who said those horrible things, but the man who sold him the team in 1981, Irv Levin. At this point, what wouldn’t he try?