Sports executives destroy wetlands when they speak

Sports executives destroy wetlands when they speak
May 12, 2014, 7:30 pm
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Hey, psst. Don’t tell anyone, but the first gay athlete kissing his partner on ESPN was actually pro bowler Scott Norton in 2012 after winning a tournament in Las Vegas.
Ray Ratto

Today in “Why Sports Executives Destroy Wetlands And Thin The Ozone Layer When They Speak,” we have interim Los Angeles Clippers CEO Dick Parsons, who said these things:

•  A prolonged fight for the team by deposed owner Donald Sterling and his wife Shelly “is in no one's interests.”

•  And, “I really think it's going to be America's team if we get this right. America loves a story where someone gets knocked down and then gets back up into the ring. This team has talent.”

One, a prolonged fight for the team by the Sterlings is in the Sterlings’ best interest, and while they might not comprise much of a somebody between them, they are not yet nobody. And two, America’s Team? In what America? Did the Lakers fold? Has he seen what’s happened to the Dallas Cowboys? And America loves its favorite team, or the last team it bet on. The Clippers are way down on most lists for the same reasons most teams are.

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Today in “Even More Evidence That Sports Executives Destroy Wetlands And Thin The Ozone Layer When They Speak,” there is Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who just fired head coach Mike Brown for the second time in four years after saying Brown’s previous firing was “a mistake.”

"This is a very tough business,” Gilbert statemented. “'It pains all of us here that we needed to make the difficult decision of releasing Mike Brown . . . We wish Mike and his family nothing but the best.” 

One, yes it is. Two, no it doesn’t. Three, no you don’t, because if you did, he’d still be working, you over-moneyed meat puppet.

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Today in, “You’re Kidding, There’s More Of This?” Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam, who has denied he pulled the plug on the team’s plan to draft Teddy Bridgewater by insisting that Bridgewater’s name be substituted with that of Johnny Manziel, said at a luncheon at the Pro Football Hall of Fame that Manziel should start acting “like a backup quarterback” because Brian Hoyer is the starter until Manziel can beat him out.

Haslam also said the Browns were ready for Manziel’s celebrity status (and no doubt eagerly preparing to cash in on it, since Manziel’s jersey is moving faster than even Sam’s), but he told his quarterback, “this is not Hollywood” and that he will have to come to Cleveland ready to work hard.

Did anyone say that Cleveland WAS Hollywood? More to the point, was he under the impression that College Station, Texas, was Hollywood? And finally, if this is what he says at luncheons, might we suggest he eat a healthy breakfast and leave lunch to the professionals?

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Miami Dolphins safety Don Jones was fined an undisclosed amount and suspended from team activities pending completion of educational training because of two tweets critical of Michael Sam acting like he has a loved one; the first, “omg” and the second, “horrible.”

Jones later apologized and pulled down the offending tweets, but issues must be raised:

One, what does any God, let alone the “Oh My” variety, have to do with this? Two, since it didn’t happen to Jones, his view of what is horrible can be altered a quick flick of the remote. And three, this came after Mike Pouncey, one of the figures in the Richie Incognito-Jonathan Martin hazing/bullying scandal, made a hazing joke on  Twitter when the team drafted offensive tackle Ja’Wuan James.

So, in the immortal words of The Buzzcocks in “Sixteen Again,” “If you can’t think once, then don’t think twice.”

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Former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel has been chosen as the next president of Youngstown State University, which means Jed York has to deal directly with him the next time the 49ers take their annual Youngstown field trip. Tressel is expected to be gracious, though he will have something to say about allowing “a Michigan man” (you know who, don’t play stupid) defiling the Penguins’ sacred field.

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Hey, psst. Don’t tell anyone, but the first gay athlete kissing his partner on ESPN was actually pro bowler Scott Norton in 2012 after winning a tournament in Las Vegas. We mention this only because the nation didn’t even notice when Norton committed this outrageous act of appreciation to his spouse. So maybe this is just a big deal when it’s football? Or maybe anyone with a problem about Michael Sam is guilty of shameful lack of vigilance. I mean, if it’s the kiss you don’t like, where the hell were you two years ago? We as a nation are ashamed of your casual attitude toward over-emoted outrage.

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With Montreal’s win over Boston Monday night to even their multicultural/bilingual/international/this-is-PK-Subban’s-fault-unless-it’s-Milan-Lucic’s hatefest at three a side, the Stanley Cup and NBA playoffs will have already produced 10 seventh games this year with 14 series still to play. This is two short of the record of 12 set in 1994, and frankly blows a lot of holes in atheist theory. I mean, 10 Game 7s? Somebody in a position of serious influence is working on our behalf, and the only non-celestial folks with that kind of juice are game-fixers.

And let’s not go there until we get a better idea on Pacers-Wizards, shall we?

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And finally, one last installment of “Why Sports Executives Really Should Give Their Tongues To Really Accomplished Chefs So Some Good Can Come Of Them In A Pear Reduction,” Sterling on Magic Johnson:

“Has he done everything he can do to help minorities? I don't think so,” Sterling told Anderson Cooper of CNN. “But I'll say it, he's great, but I don't think he's a good example for the children of Los Angeles.”

Also: “What kind of guy goes to every city, has sex with every girl, then catches HIV?” And: “I spend millions on giving away and helping minorities. Does he do that? That's one problem I have.” And: “I think he should be ashamed of himself.”

Really, Don-O? Have all your mirrors been removed by the safety brigade? Was V. Stiviano actually a beekeper impersonator and part-time silly-bunny, or did she really have another function in the company? Do you really want your lawyer to blow his brains out? Is shutting your cakeflap really that hard for you?

Oh, and thanks for sharing your wife with the nation, too. She’s a real happy Fizzies party herself.