Time for Browns' marketing department to get creative

Time for Browns' marketing department to get creative
September 19, 2013, 5:15 pm
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A CGI Jim Brown might save Clevelanders from the depression of a lost season. (AP)

The Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated their NL West title by jumping into the right field pool at Chase Field Thursday, which irked some people in both Phoenix and San Francisco because they apparently hadn’t gotten day permits.

Why San Franciscans would be irritated is odd, though. If the Dodgers celebrated in the pool here, many of them would die of hypothermia, and you humanists out there would absolutely approve of that.

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Speaking of the Dodgers, they went 53-13 from late June to early September, which is just another way of saying, “You weren’t catching them anyway, so stop whining that they’re leaving empties in your pool.”

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In a shameful example of taking responsibility for productive larceny, Japanese baseball commissioner Ryozo Kato announced his resignation because the Japanese league used a juiced baseball this year. Kato claimed he didn't know the balls were juiced, but, well, in Japan, not knowing is a dog-ate-my-homework explanation. The point is, Wladimir Balentien's record-breaking 57 home runs are probably going to be asterisked so many times that all you can see is Sadaharu Oh's 56 home runs.

Why? Because any excuse to return Oh to his place is good enough. Wonder why nobody thought of that in 2001, he said snarkily, knowing thousands actually did.

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So Nick Saban’s agent Jimmy Sexton has been in contact with a regent from the University of Texas about the job currently held by Mack Brown? So Texas has all the money on earth to lavish upon Saban to uproot and build a new fully Prussian football program? Do you have any idea what that means?

A lot of inked arms, legs, backs, chests and necks are about to undergo massive re-dos from Muscle Shoals to the Smoky Mountains, and “Tattoo Nightmares” is about be renewed for five more years.

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The Cleveland Browns could not wait to eradicate all marketing images of Trent Richardson in the wake of his white-flag trade to Indianapolis. Other than pocket schedules, they’ve pretty much got it all.

But when Brian Hoyer turns around Sunday and notices that he is giving the ball to Chris Ogbonnaya, the marketing department is going to have a different problem.

Solution? CGI. And since the NCAA is out of that business, maybe this is how Jim Brown’s long-awaited comeback happens, because in Cleveland, reality always blows.

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In the aftermath of the NFL threatening to sue M.I.A. for flipping off the nation at the Super Bowl halftime show, we give you this.

And for those of you that are risk-averse, it is a petition to get GWAR to play at the 2015 Super Bowl in Phoenix. If M.I.A.’s bill for playing blue is $1.5 million, the NFL could cover its $765 million concussion bill with GWAR.

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Chicago Bears receiver Martellus Bennett told the Jay Cutler radio show that his head coach, Marc Trestman, is actually Gene Wilder. That is, if Gene Wilder were 10 when he made Bennett’s favorite movie.

“I always say Coach Trestman reminds me of the first Willy Wonka. Not the Johnny Depp one. The Johnny Depp one was really cool, but the first one before that, the 1943 version (which was actually in 1971, based on a book written in 1964, not 1943). “He's a genius. A lot of times when you're around really, really smart people, you don't really understand them. I thought Willy Wonka was brilliant. He had all kinds of candy. Who doesn't like chocolate and candies? Everybody wanted a Gobstopper. I just think he's brilliant.”

And now for rebuttal in defense of Arthur Slugworth, Eddie DeBartolo.

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With the news that the rain delay in Seattle Sunday night was the second most-watched show in America last week, behind only the game, the NFL has announced that it will begin the new NFL Nothing Whatsoever channel, where cameras will be placed in stadiums and facilities where no people are doing anything – hosted by Rich Eisen and a UPS overnight guy.

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And finally, another day without the America’s Cup? I TOLD you this would be more fun with torpedoes and Clive Owen.