Tony La Russa's commencement speech will blow up on Internet

Tony La Russa's commencement speech will blow up on Internet
May 19, 2014, 8:45 pm
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Yeah, this will end real well on the Internet, where anti-metric sentiments are criminal offenses.
Ray Ratto

It’s on like Dresden in Los Angeles, where the Sterling Family Singes have promised to firebomb the entire National Basketball Association to get their way.

Because of course they did.

Shelly Sterling, “the innocent estranged spouse” of lore, had her lawyer Marshall Blecher reiterate her claim that “there is no lawful basis for stripping Shelly of her 50 percent ownership interest in the (Los Angeles) Clippers.” That said, she will still lose the June 3 vote of NBA owners to determine whether to strip her estranged Donald of the franchise or strip him of the franchise (those are the two choices, you see – Sterling loses, or Sterling loses). So we have months to go before we have months to go on this.

On the other hand, Blecher said, “We also continue to hope that we can resolve this dispute with the NBA for the good of all constituencies.”

This, of course, is wrong, as was proven shortly thereafter when Donald said he will sue if sanctioned.. They want the good of one constituency, as they have forever, and we are all headed for a version of hell that would make Frank McCourt wish he hadn’t settled so cheaply.

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Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall signed his three-year, $30 million extension on The View, a direct slap in the face at Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan. But he also tweeted that he will donate $1 million to benefit mental health care, in conjunction with his borderline personality disorder, which means that neither Kelly nor Mike have a real complaint to make here.

NFL AM, on the other hand . . .

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Hafthor Julius Bjornsson, the new Gregor Clegane from Game Of Thrones, was considered a potential Indianapolis Colt by Colts owner Jim Irsay last year, mostly because of his 6-9, 419-pound frame, even though he had never played football before. The problem, though, is that he injured his knee playing basketball, and yes, this constitutes a spoiler alert. Tyrion’s new champion, the Red Viper, is going right at that patellar tendon, and with the final scene being The Mountain saying, Holy Grail-style, “All right, we’ll call it a draw,” before dying.

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Barack Obama is devastated to discover that the Chicago Bulls don’t love him as much as they should, and he’ll have to learn to live with the fact that he’s not the baddest national leader at the Organization of American States company picnic. Seems the Sport Boys of the Bolivian Primera Division have signed a deal for 54-year-old Evo Morales, who moonlights as the current President of Bolivia. He agreed to play for approximately 20 minutes per appearance and receive the country’s minimum professional salary in return – around $215 a year.

Well, at least the President can tell the other President, “Man, your agent sucks.”

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Tony la Russa spoke to the graduating class of Washington University in St. Louis, so of course he quoted the title of a Styx song. Yes, Styx.

“It occurs to me that, I mean I've talked to our teams about this for a long time now, there was a title of a song that Dennis DeYoung wrote for Styx, ‘Best of Times/Worst of Times.’ I hate the word ‘worst,’ but these are the toughest times. What do I mean by that? For all of you, things used to be simpler. Now there are a lot of distractions. When you go forward, values that used to be automatic are not. You have people who just look at you as a Washington University graduate, be envious, they haven't paid the price that you have paid, they will try to . . . I mean in terms of study and effort . . . and they will try to distract you and try to remind you, and those are tough.

“There's also a real emphasis now on machines, and what they produce, and baseball, it's this thing with metrics and analytics and they claim that they can tell you who to play, how to play, when to make changes, and that's, it's a nice tool. I will suggest that you study and prepare with all that kind of information but when you get into it, be aware of the reliance on machines and prepared knowledge. So those are the worst of times. It used to be easier.”

Yeah, this will end real well on the Internet, where anti-metric sentiments are criminal offenses. 

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And finally, Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy has declared he is now the best running back in the NFL rather than Adrian Peterson, which is all well and good except for one thing: The Vikings have already thought about how much longer they should hold onto Peterson because of the mileage on his odometer. In other words, McCoy is saying, “I’m the best, and therefore I have the worst shelf life and the shortest career ahead of me.” 

Hot damn.