You're better than Rally Possum, so stop before you start

You're better than Rally Possum, so stop before you start
August 4, 2014, 9:45 pm
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The Giants' World Series odds are currently listed as “Oh, for God’s sake, grow up, will you?”
Ray Ratto

Before this Rally Possum idiocy gets out of hand, A's fans, a warning. If you fall for this and turn it into a thing, you will be no better than Angels fans (Rally Monkey) or worse in your estimation, Giants fans (giraffe, panda, seal and other animal-based irritants). A's fans are supposed to be non-derivative, totally idiosyncratic free-thinkers, and Rally Possum is none of those things.

But let us offer some ideas rather than castigate you prematurely.

Rally Indigenous Vermin.

Rally Very Large Rat.

Rally Garbage-Eating Mammal.

Todd.

Oh, and no hats. That would mark you as total rubes. And now you cannot say you haven't been warned.

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New York Mets fans are a hardy (which is to say clinically insane) lot, so when they’re not hurling into wastebaskets at their own team, they’re chewing on . . . well, Hunter Pence, courtesy Samer Kalaf of Deadspin (http://deadsp.in/1nlIGO3). Since Pence owned the Mets in the series (6-for-18, six runs, seven RBIs, a double, two triples and two homers), he’ll be fine with them all . . . except maybe “Hunter Pence Bedazzles His Phone.”

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In other writing about locals, Brain Scalabrine just wrote an open letter to himself that he shares with CSN New England, now that he’s part of the Boston Celtics broadcast team. We take him at his word that, unlike Charles Barkley in his autobiography, he did not misquote himself:

“I went to Chicago because of Tibs (Tom Thibodeaux) and D-Rose (Derrick Rose) and the crazy energy of Joakim Noah, and it was my only job offer in the states. I loved becoming an everyday customer at Giordano’s Pizza, the free meals were back. I loved the fans and the creation of the White Mamba by Stacey King. Chicago was exactly what I needed and I believed we could do something magical if we came together. But we fell short. So I took my talents to Golden State searching for their championship and I really believed we could do something magical if we came together. But then I was sent down to the D-League where we flew to Hidalgo, TX on commercial flights with no first class sitting next to a 7’2” center named Ognjen Kuzmic. There was nothing magical happening down there, no matter how much we came together. And that’s when I knew it was time to come home.

“I'm doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted, and gather some great press based on another recent NBA signing in almost the exact same way. I don't want anyone thinking: He and Mark Jackson didn't get along. The Bulls and Warriors couldn't put the right team together. Does anyone really care what Brian Scalabrine is doing right now? None of these things were true. And for the record I never played for the Warriors, I was just a coach, didn't people see me holding my clipboard. I don't understand why people couldn't put it together, I was holding a clipboard, I was a real coach.

“I will always think of Chicago as my third home and Oakland probably as my fourth home, but not like downtown Oakland, more like the suburbs.”

I’ll take that to mean Alameda rather than San Lorenzo, and yes, Oakland will be still be pissed to be so dissed. And no, we don’t believe the Mark Jackson line.

[RELATED: Former Warriors assistant Brian Scalibrine returns to Celtics]

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The noted sensationalist and argument-stirrer Chuck Culpepper in Sports On Earth offered a paean to Tiger Woods in these, his waning physical years, by offering a tribute to the now-maligned number 14. But along the way, he also threw a mean left hook.

“In the last five seasons, he has walked off five whopping times. He left the Players Championship in May 2010 amid No. 7 after a second shot and a grimace rooted in his neck. He left the Players Championship in May 2011 right after a 42 on the opening front nine and began discussing a knee, an Achilles and a calf. He left the Cadillac in March 2012 amid No. 12 on Sunday after a 321-yard drive, citing Achilles tightness. He left the Honda in March after 13 holes on Sunday with back spasms (and would have back surgery later that month). He left the Bridgestone on Sunday after his drive on No. 9 with more spasms. He has left courses on holes No. 7, No. 10, No. 12, No. 14 and No. 9. He's 13 holes from the whole misery dinner set. He's clever even at withdrawing.”

Tiger is deeply touched, and profoundly annoyed.

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And now, degeneracy. Baseball Prospectus compared betting odds before and after the trade deadline and discovered that the A’s won the deadline, improving their chances of winning the World Series by 1.1 percent after acquiring Jon Lester and Jonny Gomes for Yoenis Cespedes. But Detroit, which countered with David Price, rose 0.5 percent, the second biggest jump.

And the Giants? In a major mathematical revelation, neither Jake Peavy nor the coming-and-going of Dan Uggla seemed to affect their chances, which are currently listed as “Oh, for God’s sake, grow up, will you?”

[RELATED: Uggla rejects Giants' demotion, becomes free agent]

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And finally, Joe Eskenazi of SF Weekly (http://bit.ly/1qOI3jy) shares some of the things you can bid on at auction before the old dreadnought is pulverized, including a massive washing machine, an orange-and-black diesel generator, a giant boiler, the scoreboard, the light towers (including the one that Benjy Young rode during the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake), and “a Vulcan deep-frying station, birthplace of your garlic fries.”

Fries are, of course, $6 above and beyond the bid.