10 hat suggestions for Colin Kaepernick

Ratto on Kap: 'He should wear every hat on a rotating basis'

10 hat suggestions for Colin Kaepernick
July 8, 2013, 9:15 pm
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Here we care nothing about what he wears or why he wears it.
Ray Ratto on Colin Kaepernick wearing a Dolphins hat

As hard as it is to believe that the allegedly sophisticated 49er fan base could be up in arms about Colin Kaepernick’s headwear . . . well, there you go.

Weirdly, the fans who came stridently to his defense during the idiotic “Why Does He Have Those Tattoos” controversette of a year ago seem to be bothered by his wearing a Miami Dolphins hat, which suggests that it isn’t his right to wear what he wishes that’s the issue, but the right of first approval over what he chooses to wear.

Well, here we care nothing about what he wears or why he wears it, but we do love the fact that the quarterback who helped lead the 49ers to the Super Bowl has apparently failed a loyalty test drawn up by his most ardent supporters. As a result, we are here to offer him suggestions on other hats he can wear to further rile the citizens – because they deserve the irritation.

1.      Los Angeles Dodgers. Self-explanatory.
2.      Seattle Seahawks. Might set off his fellow employees, but the amusement factor makes it worth the gamble.
3.      San Antonio Spurs, just because the wounds are still fresh.
4.      Half A’s/half Giants, because nobody likes that one any more.
5.      Kansas City Chiefs, but only if he issues a statement of full support for the wronged Alex Smith.
6.      Baltimore Ravens, particularly self-explanatory.
7.      Livestrong, because that one really has run its course.
8.      Boise State, to irritate his college fans.
9.      Ottawa RedBlacks, because the only thing cooler than the hat of an expansion Canadian Football League team . . .
10.      . . . is a defunct team, like the Pottsville Maroons.

And remember, it’s just swag. Like that Milwaukee Brewers fez he got on eBay.

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Tony Kornheiser is now on record calling the Warriors “unstoppable,” and claiming they will win the upcoming NBA title. Fine, if you’re bent that way, but the last time Kornheiser called an NBA shot was 1955, and that was for the Syracuse Nationals.

We kid Tony, but seriously – it’s July, and you’ll have plenty of time to turn back to the Wizards.

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The old Rex Ryan would have kicked that bull’s ass instead of running from it. Of course, the old Rex Ryan wouldn’t have tolerated Tim Tebow, so there you go.

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If I hadn’t conveniently forgotten all about Kris and Anna Benson, the pitcher and his soon-to-be-ex wife/loon, I would have been completely not surprised by Anna Benson breaking into Kris Benson’s apartment and threatening him with a metal bar while wearing a bulletproof vest. But yeah, now that I think about it, she’s the one I’d figure for sure.

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Ice Cube’s attack on Dwight Howard at his Saturday concert adds to the number of Laker-Protection-Society attacks since the one-time I-wish-I-Were-In-Brooklynite signed with Houston. In other words, Howard may be a brilliant insurrectionist trying to defeat the NBA’s addiction to the whole Laker mythology. He won’t do it because some drugs are too strong, but at least he won’t have to listen any more to those bullying lectures about how to become a winner from Jodie Meeks.

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And who wants to be the anti-Dwight? Chris Kaman, the newest Laker, proving if nothing else that all Laker games will now be shown on Bravo.

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And finally, o devoted Balfourites still raging over the shameful exclusion of your planet’s leader from the All-Star Game, consider the following: The American League has had an average of 38 All-Stars per year over the last five seasons. They’re at 33 now. Calm the hell down, for your own sakes.