49ers stricken with denim fever

49ers stricken with denim fever
May 8, 2013, 6:15 pm
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The 49ers and Levi's held a pep rally Wednesday to announce the new stadium naming rights. (49ERS.COM)

Scream for a reason, like your wallet being lifted, or Andris Biedrins at the free throw line.
—Ray Ratto

Most folks believe that if Jed York is anything close to the clever young entrepreneur he likes to portray himself as, the 49ers will take the field each Sunday running through a gigantic button-fly as a tribute to its new stadium-naming partner, Levi Strauss. This will not happen, of course, for obvious reasons of taste, ridicule and cost –- do you know much six four-foot-high metal buttons cost these days?

But the bad-joke-fest that greeted the announcement that Levi’s is giving $220 million for the naming rights to the new stadium is an indication of how hilarity-bankrupt we have become. Obviously the running-through the open fly plan won’t happen, and there won’t be Levi’s uniforms, and Sourdough Sam won’t start looking like a mute and hydrocephalic pickup artist in a country bar –- well, any more than he already does, anyway.

The players are likely to chafe at the plan for denim compression shorts, though. In fact, if they have to wear denim compression shorts under their contractually-required Nike accoutrements, you may be assured there will be chafing.

And Jim Harbaugh in a denim sweatshirt and denim cap to go with his denim I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-the-media facial expressions . . . well, that’s so ridiculous that it almost has to happen now.

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Alex Ferguson’s decision to retire at Manchester United has been a disappointing one, as no British news outlet or Twitticist has yet come up with a suitable rumor for his next managerial stop. Maybe it’s because he said he would stay on as a director and goodwill ambassador for the club, but this shouldn’t prevent a good rumormonger from grinding a gear or two in search of a few clicks.

If nothing else, it would be great fun to see the Sir Alex-to-AC Milan rumor, if only to watch him punch the first person to ask about it in the throat, while cursing at him like some Scottish version of Donald Duck. If you’re having trouble imagining that, think Craig Ferguson on crank.

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Somebody Else’s Tax Dollars At Rest, Part 15,101: The Miami Marlins have decided to Wolfficize their two-year-old ballpark, tarping the upper deck for certain weeknight games that either sicken, enrage or do not appeal to the local population. This will reduce capacity by . . . oh, who the hell cares. This isn’t the real news anyway. The real news is that as the summer rolls on and the Marlins maintain their safe and antiseptic distance from the rest of the National League, Jeff Loria and David Samson will unveil a scheme to tarp the lower deck as well and just build a grassy berm behind the outfield where people can lay on the hill, drink and wish they could remember where they parked their cars.

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And while we’re at it, maybe the Giants and Dodgers can agree to tarp their entire seating capacity when the other team comes to town, at least until the fans figure out that while you can fight anywhere, there’s no point in fighting in a place where the beers cost $14.50 and the plastic seat you fall over on your way to the concrete hurts like hell.

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If anyone in Oakland is thinking of trying to one-up San Antonio’s Screaming Lady, here’s hoping two things: One, that TNT repositions its microphones. And two, that whomever is that person’s companion can shove somewhere between two and seven T-shirts in his or her throat. Scream for a reason, like your wallet being lifted, or Andris Biedrins at the free throw line.

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John Morgan, the Florida trial lawyer, is running a public ad campaign to get the Jacksonville Jaguars to sign Tim Tebow. Morgan, of course, is a Florida grad, which supersedes any political consideration that his association with Tebow might create. But whatever business he thinks he can drum up is nothing compared to the answer to this question: What does a man with a law degree and thriving practice think he gets out of associating even in an adversarial way with the Jacksonville Freaking Jaguars?

Seems like Morgan is punching way below his weight class here, or both ends of the advertising stick.

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Former Giant and one-time credible pitcher Jonathan Sanchez was just released by the Pittsburgh Pir . . . oh, the hell with it. Why repave the freshly paved highway?

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Vijay Singh is suing the PGA tour for “public humiliation and ridicule for months” over his use of deer antler spray, and claiming that the tour relied on a prohibited substances list from the World Anti-Doping Agency “without any independent review, analysis or assessment of the substances.” The suit claims that the tour “lacks the knowledge, skill and sophistication to determine whether it is appropriate to ban particular substances and is otherwise incapable of administering the Anti-Doping Program.”

In short, Singh is saying the PGA performed a public backslapping anti-drug campaign and has no idea what it is looking for or how to acquire the information it needs. I don’t know if he wins or not, but I know the obvious intermediate step: A belly putter taken from the biggest damned antler he can find, and a middle finger embroidered into his golf bag just for Tour president Tim Finchem to remember at every stop. Rumble, young man. Rumble.

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And finally, a moment of your time to consider the former Detroit Lion wide receiver and professional recidivist Titus Young, and how he’s lived his life like a candle in the wind. And with his luck and keen judgment, that will result in his being arrested on suspicion of arson.