Bettman blowing smoke once again

Bettman blowing smoke once again
April 7, 2013, 10:45 pm
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Stuck with an undesirable NHL francise, commissioner Gary Bettman is resorting to daydreaming about potential purchasers. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

In its continuing attempt to inoculate school president Robert Barchi from the Mike Rice Love Through Shoves coaching scandal, the Rutgers University administrative hierarchy has decided instead to fire New Jersey Institute of Technology coach Jim Engles, Mike Emrick, Devils general manager Lou Lamoriello, Edie Falco in her role on The Sopranos, Governor Chris Christie, lobbyist and former governor Christine Todd Whitman, and Melissa McCarthy for her delightfully psychotic homage on Saturday Night Live.

In other words, keep at it, fellas. You’re getting warmer.

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Gary Bettman is up and drumming a new round of Oh-Yeah-Prove-It story lines about buyers interested in buying the Phoenix Coyotes, which as we know is the couch in front of the NHL offices that neither college students nor the garbagemen will touch. In a gabber in Detroit to flog the replay of the Winter Classic next winter, he said there was more interest than ever (which could mean only that someone asked, “Are you still stuck with that albatross?”), and fake-stumbled through a question that tried to link the Coyotes to the Seattle NBA situation. It worked, of course; we’re easy that way. But if he has an actual buyer for the Coyotes who wants to keep them in Glendale, science demands that he produce said buyer.

I mean, if you knew the whereabouts of a snowy white two-headed unicorn, you’d pretty much be obligated to provide evidence to National Geographic.

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Speaking of rare fictional characters, the Los Angeles Kings are expressing interest in an outdoor game next year at Dodger Stadium against the Anaheim Ducks. The backup venue will be Splash Mountain.

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With the flameout of the Notre Dame women’s basketball team, so ends our nation’s brief and largely revolting fascination with phlegm green as a uniform color. Trust us, oh athletic haberdashers, when we want gear that looks like it came from a tuberculosis ward, we will ask for it.

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New England’s monastic recluse/tight end Rob Gronkowski will have a fourth surgery on his left forearm to remove a plate put in his arm at least one surgery ago to help insure that an infection can be eradicated. He will miss 10 weeks, which leads to an obvious question: Wouldn’t he have been better off shoving the arm into a chipper shredder like at the end of Fargo?

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Nebraska wrapped its spring practice by giving a handoff to seven-year old cancer survivor Jack Hoffman, who ran for a touchdown in front of thousands of deliriously happy people. At Ohio State, Brutus, the mascot, was allowed to run a play and got laid out trying to break out of the pocket. The lessons here are twofold:

1. If head coach Bo Pelini is on his job, Jack Hoffman should get a four-year full ride to Nebraska.
2. Urban Meyer never lets anyone taker a play off. Even if you’re a hydrocephalic nut and you’re playing quarterback, you go down.

Now guess who will be the preseason Number One, and guess who won’t be.

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And finally, we bring you The Giants’ Time-Consuming Promotion of The Day. The first 40,000 people hoodwinked into seeing the Colorado Rockies will get a commemorative poster of Bruce Bochy in a swimsuit and a fez laying across the hood of a Bugatti Veyron. Put that up in your garage workroom and see how much DIY you get done.