Clock already running on Manziel’s useful fame

Clock already running on Manziel’s useful fame
July 28, 2013, 9:00 pm
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Johnny Manziel may be on the Alex Rodriguez career path if his off-the-field shenanigans continue unabated. (USA TODAY IMAGES)


What we have here is someone who never has a moment where he isn’t standing outside his body look back at himself to make sure he is just so. (AP)

David Ortiz on Line 2 . . . and DUCK!!!

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The clock is already running on Johnny Manziel’s useful fame, and the way we know this is his choice to wear a Tim Tebow jersey at a Texas frat party after being thrown out of another Texas frat party and having beer thrown on him. What we have here is someone who never has a moment where he isn’t standing outside his body look back at himself to make sure he is just so. It’s called narcissism, and it’s what made Alex Rodriguez a national punch line.

Then again, you never learn about Internet fame until you’re doubled over and grabbing your nethers, so we will just have to wait for the Christmas tree bulb over his head to illuminate.

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Hunter Mahan was leading the Canadian Open when he heard that his wife Kandi had gone into labor – or, as they say on the course, labour. So he did what any red-blooded American would do in Canada. He withdrew from the tournament. Now maybe you wouldn’t do that, so let’s remove the emotion of childbirth and familial bonds and walk through the math. He stays and wins, he makes $1,008,000. He stays and doesn’t win, he makes less. He leaves to be by his wife’s side, he saves way more in lawyers’ fees.

Sure, love has its place, but this is a story even a cynic, or an accountant, can appreciate.

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Donovan McNabb is retiring as an Eagle Monday with one of those phony and tedious one-day contracts that makes the whole thing an easy-to-dismiss joke. For someone to “retire” as anything, he should have to go through one last full workout with the team he wants to retire with, because retirement shouldn’t be easy. It should end in this case with McNabb cramping and throwing up.

And not just because it’s McNabb. You want the ceremony, you pay the price.

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Greg Oden is thinner and looks better than anyone could have expected, according to insomniacs who live for July NBA workouts. Since Oden has more suitors than years he’s missed (six, as opposed to four), the lesson is clear.

Stretch your children, every day, even Sundays. Tendons don’t get days off, and bones need to know at an early age what is expected of them. Seven feet is seven feet, until everyone in the NBA says it isn’t.

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Oh, and if your kids are 33, get them that Albert Pujols deal. Because if they won’t stretch, at least they’ll get paid when they snap.

As an addendum, Arte Moreno still got his money’s worth out of Pujols because he got the TV deal he wanted just on the illusion of Pujols’ name, so don’t you dare say Pujols is stealing money unless your goal is to look like an idiot.

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The value of the Gold Cup has always been negligible, since only the United States and Mexico have ever won it (save one time by Canada when both the U.S. and Mexico were in the shop), and it’s also a cavalcade of B-sides anyway, so it’s hard for any but the most delusional come-to-it-latelies to get worked up about the U.S.’s 1-0 victory over Panama in the final.

Unless, of course, there was a side bet involving use of the Canal on weekends and holidays. Or if the boys wanted to prove they didn’t need that creaky old coot Jurgen Klinsmann to win a thing nobody will remember in two weeks.

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And finally, you may have missed ESPN’s closed captioning signoff from its review of the cup final with this disturbing sentence, “And that’s it from the paedophiles.” Presumably it was supposed to be, “And that’s it from the pair of us,” since the caption also read, " . . . and a half of Stewart Robson," which must be as painful as it sounds, so someone has some explaining to do to “the pair of us.”

Or worse yet, “the pair of us” has some explaining to do to somebody.