Dreaming of Tebow the Raider

October 24, 2011, 4:17 pm
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I wish Tim Tebow was the quarterback of the Oakland Raiders rather thanCarson Palmer. I wish Tim Tebow were the quarterback of the Oakland Raiders rather than anyone in the universe.I like culture shock, you see, and I believe that if there is any place on earth, and any group of people that could shake Tebows core beliefs, it is Raidervania.And vice versa.
First, this has nothing to do with religion. Religion flourishes in Oakland the way it does everywhere else in America, because we are not all that different as much as we wish we were. And Im not coming in favor of or against it, so dont come at us with that stuff. Im not interested in discussing religion with you in this context, and bringing it up gets you a ticket to Delete City.Second, this has nothing to do with football. Im already on record as saying I dont buy the mysticism surrounding Tebow, even after Sundays miraculous vanquishing of the decidedly rancid Miami Dolphins. I guess a guy with Tebows unique quarterbacking gifts has to start slowly, as though he were opening against Vanderbilt.Im also not against Palmer, orKyle Boller, or Terrelle Pryor, or draft choices, orJason Campbell, or Bruce Gradkowski. Or, because we are apparently obligated to mention the mans name at least once every three days whether he deserves it or not, Alex Smith. What Im for is slack-jawed looks of confusion, amazement and cries for help, which is why Tebow is in the wrong place in Denver. He should be playing to the Black Hole, not just a week from Sunday, but 10 times a year.Not because he couldnt do it, or wouldnt do it. Tebow seems the sort of guy who doesnt mind leading with his face on the theory that his face will win no matter how many times it gets hit.But to see the Raider clientele, which has its own core beliefs, deal with Tebows core beliefs, and the way his passes dont really spiral but get to their intended targets just often enough to make you not think he is hopeless, and the way he makesMichael Bushs runs look as though he hadKamerion Wimbleys body would somehow appeal to the audience . . .. . . well, it would be breathtaking to watch all those brains melt all at once.And it would be just as fun to see Tebow deal with Perpetual Halloween, and the burning torch that provides proof of the continuing Cult Of Al. His own skullcap would have a few 3.6, 3.7, 3.8 temblors themselves.In short, I seek the parallel universe where Hue Jackson talked John Elway into Tebow for two draft picks instead of Mike Brown. I seek the madness and the hilarity that would ensue. I seek this refreshing look at the end of the world, not as the Mayans predicted it, but as Al Davis probably envisioned it:You ----------s wont know what to do now that Im . . . what? You did what? For who? Thats it! Im coming back now and see if I can fix this, you ---------s! Im not gone two weeks and you talk to Elway and get Tebow? Youre all fired! All of you! Youd better be gone by the time I reappear on earth!Hey, its a bye week. We all have time on our hands.