Examining the legacy of LeBron's headband

Examining the legacy of LeBron's headband
June 18, 2013, 10:15 pm
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LeBron James' legacy will be measured by whether or not he wears a headband in Game 7. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

We do not normally abrogate powers that rightly belong to celestial beings, but if you are one of the people who connected the words “LeBron James” and “legacy” after Thursday night’s game, a special suite in Hell is being prepared for you.

And don’t sit there and wonder why. You have it coming. Pay your debt.

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And after Thursday’s game, thousands of children will be named “No! Not Ginobili!”

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An NFL coach suggested that David Beckham, the retired soccer player and face, would be an excellent idea as a placekicker. Yes, of course he would – except for the helmet that obscures the pretty . . . and the sociopathic safety who rushes at his knees . . . and the fact that field goal kicking in the new millennium is as much about distance as accuracy.

In other words, maybe that coach should ask for Manuel Neuer instead.

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Were I Lolo Jones, I would take that $741 bobsledding check and take my teammates out for beer. Of course, were I Lolo Jones, everyone would prefer to drink alone in their rooms.

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There are times when celebrities and athletes confuse profundity for what we in the scientific community call anal-cranial inversion. Take Serena Williams, who described the victim in the Steubenville rape trial in an interview with Rolling Stone as being partially responsible for her plight.

“Do you think it was fair, what they got?” the tennis star and amateur criminologist said. “They did something stupid, but I don't know. I'm not blaming the girl, but if you're a 16-year-old and you're drunk like that, your parents should teach you: don't take drinks from other people. She's 16, why was she that drunk where she doesn't remember? It could have been much worse. She's lucky. Obviously I don't know, maybe she wasn't a virgin, but she shouldn't have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that's different.”

Okay, Serena. Now hit a bouncy yellow ball for a long time before you share again.

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I remember the good old days when United States soccer fans didn’t get all worked up about their heroes beating two countries with the combined populations of Ohio, or South Sudan. But it is part of the price of caring about the national team in this hemisphere; you have to pretend that Honduras is a tough out.

Now South Sudan? That’s a different kettle of sand.

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San Jose mayor Chuck Reed is calling a press conference for Wednesday to announce that the city is suing the National Hockey League, Major League Soccer, Arena Football, The Mountain West Conference, the Central Coast Section and the Old Spaghetti Factory on North San Pedro. Someone’s going to pay for the A’s, damn it, and he won’t stop until he finds a defendant he can whip.

He earlier thought about suing Raffi Torres, but Torres looked at him, and the mayor’s lawyers cried.

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And finally, LeBron James’ headband’s legacy is taking a beating.