Garza's mandated apology receives 2.882 mark out of 10

Sogard not bothered by Garza's reaction to squeeze bunt

Garza's mandated apology receives 2.882 mark out of 10
August 4, 2013, 7:30 pm
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I think the lesson here for children everywhere is that if you’re going to apologize, make an honest effort. Or just fake it spectacularly.
Ray Ratto

Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith are in a battle for the starting quarterback job with the New York Jets. (AP)

At the National Center For Public Apologies in Lenexa Kansas, Matt Garza’s mandated mea minima culpa for Buntapalooza was scored a poor 2.882 out of 10 Sunday. “First, the prepared-statement-without-taking-questions gambit is old and tired,” a spokesman for the center read in a prepared statement without taking questions. “It’s just another way of saying, ‘My mom made me do this,’ only in this case Mom is Texas general manager Jon Daniels. Secondly, he scored very low on specifics of the incident, especially as it regards Kaycee Sogard. Apologies without acknowledgement of the exact misdeed or misdeeds are not apologies but vague ramblings, and you can get that in any bus station in America. And third, it came too late for anything but extending the story an extra day, which brought his tactical score down as well.

“Mr. Garza’s performance was also lacking in the level of abjectness we like to see,” the spokesman read, “and the only reason his score wasn’t lower was because the whole incident was so puerile. I think the lesson here for children everywhere is that if you’re going to apologize, make an honest effort. Or just fake it spectacularly.”

[RELATED -- Sogard on Garza's tweets: 'We took it as a joke']

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Mark Sanchez was booed at Saturday night’s Jets intrasquad scrimmage, which like most intrasquad scrimmages ended in a tie. This, of course, created much consternation among teammates and writers, and maybe even some fans, but in defense of the people who boo – well, they went to an intrasquad scrimmage and pretended it mattered, meaning that they are so infused with NFL Kool-Aid that their opinions cannot possibly be of value, even to them.

Lesson: If you had the time to go to more intrasquad scrimmages, you’d boo your quarterback, too.

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Jerry Rice doesn’t think the Pro Bowl can be saved even with the new captains-pick-the-teams format the NFL stole from hockey. Of course, as an old-timer, he blames the current players, because that’s just the way life goes.

[RELATED: NFL Pro Bowl turns into fantasy showcase]

But there’s this, from Pro Football Focus and Football Outsiders, two reputable football metrics outfits: The Pro Bowl sucked when Jerry Rice was in it too, by a factor of 2.78-1 when compared to every year’s penultimate exhibition games, and 3.03-1 when compared to the Hall of Fame game.

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Manchester United threatened not to take the field in a “friendly” against an Australian league all-star side because the stadium in which the game was held has Coke as a major sponsor, and ManU has sold a hunk of soul to Pepsi. A sign was changed, the game went off, and 80,000 people didn’t have to go home understanding the true nature of evil in the world.

The irony, of course, is that Manchester United’s kits used to be sponsored by AIG, which actually was one of the major proponents of the nature of evil in the world.

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The Houston Astros have bolted from the All-Star Game by winning 3 of 16 games, an impressive .188 percentage. But that simply won’t be good enough if you’re looking for historical abjectness.

Just to make the top five in post-World War II lists, they have to find a deeper spot in the tank. To beat the 2003 Detroit Tigers, they have to finish 6-46 from this point on (a .115 percentage). To catch the 1962 Mets, they have to go 3-49 (.057). And if you still think they could beat the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the worst team ever, they would have to un-win 15 games they’ve already won, and finish 21-141.

This is of course impossible, as you cannot undo events that have already happened or change rules retroactively . . . although if they had Alex Rodriguez, Bud Selig might consider it under the “best interests of baseball.” Otherwise known as the “Melky Cabrera wins the batting title over my intern’s dead body” clause.

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And finally, the NCAA is looking into rumors that Johnny Manziel, who has been compared to Justin Bieber of all people by no less an authority than Southern football radio god Paul Finebaum, cut an autograph deal in January and that it was worth five figures to the Texas A&M quarterback, to which we say several things.

One, the NCAA would have let him do it if the NCAA got the money. Two, Johnny Manziel’s shoes are America’s leading elephant dung magnet. And three, David Shaw and his idealistic version of college football increasingly looks like the guy who believes The Matrix is a documentary.