Giants' funeral dirge?

Giants' funeral dirge?
September 23, 2011, 4:12 pm
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I believe a New Orleans funeral is the way to go its essentially a party celebrating the life of the dead, with some miscellaneous burying involved. Beyond that, Im not sure what goes into it, but it sounds a hell of a lot better than just about anything else you do with the dead. Youre here, then youre gone, and you may as well leave em smiling as you pay the bill.Enter the 2011 Giants, about to be just as dead.With their magic numbers for elimination from the NL West race at 1, and the postseason entirely at 3, you may want to cling to hope, pigheaded optimists that you are, but if Im the Giants, Im making arrangements. Im having a wake, Im burying everything I can get away with, and Im serving beer and shots at the usual exorbitant prices.I mean, other than Cal football, what the hell else are they going to use the building for?In short, they need to gather up 2011 and dig a wide, shallow hole (going deep causes issues with the cove, and nothing ruins a funeral like flooding). They need to invite 40,000 of their closest friends, without charging them you know, a one-time freebie thank you that isnt disguised by saying Its for the Giants Community Fund, so cough up, suckers and do it down in true New Orleans style.Okay, San Francisco style. I forgot, Copernicus wrong. This is the center of the universe. My bad.In this hole, you place: The 2010 World Champion flag, or a facsimile thereof, in case you need to make sure all the flagpoles are accounted for. One cap, one T-shirt, one jersey, one hoodie, one set of black-and-orange argyle pants, one nightie and whatever other delicates they sell in the store in fact, one of everything, right down to the barbecue tongs, the board games, the foil cutters, the jeroboam of Old Wombat Select repackaged with a Giants logo. Like Noahs Ark, only for inventory. Team photos of the 1944 White Sox (record, 71-83) and 1985 Pirates (record, 57-104), the two teams whose average runs per game bracket that of the 2011 Giants. You know, as sort of a there but for the grace of God go thee kind of deal. And effigies of those who gave their positions so that 2011 would be the hilariously futile parade it was, to wit:1. Aaron Rowand.
2. Miguel Tejada.
3. Zach Wheeler.
4. John Bowker.
5. Bill Hall.
6. Jonathan Sanchez strike zone.
7. Buster Poseys ankle.
8. Freddy Sanchez shoulder.
9. Brian Wilsons elbow (part of the Charlie Sheen surprise Everything I Touch package).
10. Aubrey Huffs confidence.
11. Andres Torres joie de vivre.
12. Bruce Bochys genius (even though he probably exceeded last years performance flogging 84 wins out of this crew).
13. Brian Sabeans trading mastery.
14. One seventh of Pablo Sandoval.
15. The bat rack.
16. The batting cage.
17. The pitching machines.
18. The bats.
19. Anything, in short, that had anything to do with batting of any kind.
20. And of course, Billy Neukom, bow-tie and all. He was Icarus with flannel underwear, and paid the price that all minority owners who forget that they are minority owners eventually pay. They get buried in some outfield dirt and get run over periodically by Nate Schierholtz.We were going to mention Ryan Rohlinger as well, given that he had one at-bat all year and struck out in it, thereby providing context for the entire season. But that would be, well, gratuitous.Anyway, you put it all in a heap, let the folks walk by and pay their respects with little trinkets and mementos, or just some spit, if youre that disgusted. And then either bury it all, or if you can get the fire department to sign off on it, burn it and make the ozone layer feel your pain.Going out like whimpered curs just because their buzz got harshed is not the Giants Way. I know. I got the book. Its on Page 27, next to Even if you think you have the powers of Charlemagne, pretend you care about others opinions.And yeah, that goes in the pile too.The point here is this: They cant take your memories, unless the wrong guy ends up as President in 2012. But a funeral is demanded, and a funeral must happen. And remember, in the immortal words of the King of Swamp Castle after his daughters wedding was ruined by a mass slaughter during Monty Python and the Holy Grail:Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Lets not bicker and argue about who killed who.In fact, that should be on a banner in front of the stadium for all of 2012.Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com

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