Have NBA owners already determined Kings' fate?

Have NBA owners already determined Kings' fate?
April 2, 2013, 8:15 pm
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The Sacramento group bidding to keep the Kings in town will make its pitch to the NBA owners on Wednesday. (AP)

Hey, we are kicking some serious real-estate ass here in the 415/510/408! According to Kiplinger, San Francisco, San Jose and Oakland are Nos. 2, 4 and 9 on their list of most expensive cities in America, which may help explain why we spend more time bitching about stadium construction than normal people. Apparently, despite all the evidence to the contrary, we’re making too much money to care how we spend it, or to which billionaire receives it.

San Francisco stands proudly below New York and above Honolulu. San Jose edged out Stamford, CT, home of Comcast’s burgeoning HR department, and Oakland ranks between Boston and Anchorage. Six of the 10 cheapest cities are in Texas and Arkansas, and they have no such issues with stadia; they’re all upgrading their high school fields to 30,000-seat domes with luxury suites and fur-covered fields because, well, that’s what you do for Friday night lights.

And Anchorage?

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If, as reported by Adam Schefter of ESPN, Nnamdi Asomugha signed with the 49ers and asked not to have any of his money guaranteed, then we can make three assumptions:

1.      He wants to show people he wants to end his career not being defined by the money, after cashing in twice before.
2.      He wants to see what it’s like to play defensive back on a team that can actually pressure a quarterback.
3.      He’s nuts.

Proof again that three things can be just as equally true as two.

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Mike Rice’s next job will be a lot like the one Kevon Bannon got after losing his job, oddly enough, at Rutgers. He came under fire late in his tenure for running a strip free throw drill in his first year on the job with two players who eventually transferred. One later sued the school, and Bannon hasn’t had a college job since. Rice’s career track looks awfully similar at this point.

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The Dallas Stars marketing department came up big Monday night, as in “Hey, do you hate us enough yet?” They’d been hinting at a new uniform design for awhile, and decided to show it off during their game on . . . oh, yeah, you can see this one coming up Broadway, can’t you . . . April Fool’s Day.

Only (a) they were in the process of being shut out by Anaheim, 4-0, to remain safely 12th in the Western Conference, and (b) the uniform featured the old bull’s-head-as-constellation design derisively called “The Mooterus.”

Yeah. “The Mooterus.” Like it sounds, only way more disturbing.

They created fresh new hatreds from a fan base already cranky about the team’s fall from relevance, and most assuredly convinced the people in marketing to staff-meet and say, “Well, it’s the fans’ fault for not seeing how funny it was.”

Hint: It’s okay to pull the plug on an idea when the people who have money you want to claim as your own are not in the mood. Second hint: When you’re sure it’s a foolproof idea, all you’ve proven is what a fool you are.

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The Wall Street Journal looked back at the last 10 spring training records, and discovered that none of the 10 with the worst record reached the postseason that year. This year’s litmus paper belongs to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who went 10-20 and gave up more runs than any other team.

The Angels then went out and won a 13-inning pitcher's duel on Opening Day in Cincinnati, 3-1, proving one of two things: Either the Wall Street Journal is high, or the Angels are just a cheap tease. This would be the "two things can be equally true" postulate.

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Florida Atlantic University abandoned its February plan to sell its stadium naming rights to a for-profit prison company run by an FAU alum called Geo Group. It abandoned it because (1) it was a stupid idea, (2) it was a stupid idea that brought the school mountains of ridicule, and (3) it reminded too many people of the NCAA.

But I want the real reason to be (4) – because the stadium in which the Owls pay football became known around town as, and this is so very delicious, “Owlcatraz.” Now that’s creativity toward a noble end.

You know, like “Mooterus.”

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Robinson Cano, the Yankee second baseman already at the team that pays more money than anyone, has dropped Scott Boras as his agent in favor of CAA and Roc, which is one of Jay-Z’s companies. This, you should not care about, except for this: When you drop Scott Boras for CAA, you’re probably looking to get into entertainment, and that means either New York, where he already is, or Los Angeles, which has money to burn and a raging fire it is already stoking with hundreds.

Of course, most athletes who get into entertainment either end up as the butt of the joke on some staged Bravo show about rich harpies, or become spokesmen for Slap Chop, or something worse. In other words, Robinson Cano is not yet at the stage where he can be Magic Johnson, so taking over for Carson Daly or whatever the hell he might be thinking of, is probably less wise than, say, continuing to play second base.

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And finally, Seattle and Sacramento make their pitches for the Kings to the NBA owners today, presumably to the death, and if so, let it be on NBATV. We keep waiting for a compromise in which the loser gets promised the next franchise, but that seems unlikely, as Medford, Oregon, is equidistant from both cities if you drive the 5, and not really a candidate for an NBA franchise.

Now Anchorage, on the other hand . . .

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