Hitting the 'Beat L.A.' lottery jackpot

Hitting the 'Beat L.A.' lottery jackpot
April 17, 2013, 9:15 am
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Five Bay Area teams will face Los Angeles opponents in the near future. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

You do it because your parents did it, because you want your offspring to do it, or because chanting “Beat BYU” makes no sense.
—Ray Ratto

The following affects us in no ways, save travel. Thus, we have no stake in what is to follow, except for any benefits that might accrue from outright eyeball pandering.

You live in the Bay Area, and other than ordering a drink, chatting up a potential . . . well, you know . . . or yelling at your kids, your favorite verbal pastime is chanting, “Beat L.A.”

Your team doesn’t even have to playing a Los Angeles-based team at the time. You do it because your parents did it, or because you want your offspring to do it, or because chanting “Beat BYU” makes no sense.

Well, here’s your best opportunity at hitting the lottery ever. Follow along.

1.      The Los Angeles Clippers beat Sacramento tonight.
2.      Phoenix beats Denver.
3.      Golden State beats Portland.

RESULT: The Warriors finish sixth, the Clippers finish third, and they begin their playoff series over the weekend at the Staples Center.

4.      San Jose and Los Angeles continue to jockey between fourth and fifth in the NHL Western Conference, neither threatening to pass Anaheim in the Pacific Division, or fall below St. Louis. There are still five more games for each team to play, but it’s as likely scenario as there is right now.

RESULT: Sharks at Kings, or Kings at Sharks. Plus, that series would start after the end of Warriors-Clippers, so you can keep your roll no matter what.

ANCILLARY RESULT: Vancouver loses in the first round, thereby setting up a second-round between San Jose and Anaheim. More chanting, if you can get around the fact that Anaheim is only L.A.-ette. In addition, there is the possibility that the Kings could catch Anaheim and finish second, thereby reversing the scenario.

5.      Earthquakes at Chivas USA, April 27. We cover all eventualities.

6.      Angels at Oakland April 29, 30, May 1. Certainly the least combustible north-south matchup, but A’s fans are nothing if not adaptable, especially if Los Angeles at Anaheim’s pitching continues to stink.

7.      Dodgers at San Francisco, May 3, 4 and 5. Self-explanatory, especially if Dodgers continue to lose multimillionaires to injury or brawls.

RESULT: All the “Beat L.A.” you can stand, for as long as you can stand it, or at least the next two weeks. It will, of course, annoy the hell out of the rest of us, but that’s never stopped you before, nor will it now. It’s geographical hatred nirvana, and you will not be deterred.

Of course, all bets are off if Denver wins tonight, or if the Warriors lose and Houston beats the de-Mamba’d Lakers. Your dream scenario is crushed, and you’ll have to make sense of “Beat Den-Ver.”

And if so, please do it where the rest of us cannot hear.