Howard, Lakers go out in style

Howard, Lakers go out in style
April 29, 2013, 12:15 am
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Dwight Howard's Game 4 ejection was a symbolically fitting ending to the Lakers' disaster of a 2012-13 season. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

Dwight Howard has the gift, and that’s all there is to it. As the Los Angeles Lakers earned their ignominious end, Howard became the face of the franchise . . . if you hate the franchise. 

Now if you like the franchise, you are at Lakers Intergalactic headquarters offering Kobe Bryant the Achilles tendon of your first child, but now it’s just as much because you need to be distracted from the knowledge that Howard finished out the team’s worst season in a very long time by . . . well, by being the living embodiment of that entire season.

In short, for you L.A.-centric types, he is the Donald Sterling of players.

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In fairness, though, the Lakers were going to win zero games in that series anyway, and anyone who thought otherwise because of some Laker mystique knows more about the ovulation cycle of the ferret than basketball. And don’t argue this point. You’ll only look like, well, you know.

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Seattle pitcher Doug Fister is now on a pace to hit 50 batters this year. All he has to do is throw 200 innings, and he’ll find out how Zack Greinke lives. He’ll also be a hero to every old-time pitcher still alive.

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If Golden State Warrior fans have not proven by now that the best kind of noise is unprompted by the scoreboard or mascots or other underpaid team functionaries, then we as a society are doomed. I mean, they even cheered the halftime dog act Sunday night without prompting, and no, we are not referring to the Denver offense.

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The grades from the NFL Draft are in, and every team failed, because the nation went right to the NBA and Stanley Cup playoffs as always, without missing a beat. Maybe that’ll teach Roger Goodell to stop hugging all the first round draft picks like he was their half-drunk uncle.

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That said, the NHL handled its release of the Stanley Cup schedule like it was Major League Soccer releasing the Stanley Cup schedule. As in, why would MLS care if anyone got the Stanley Cup playoff schedule? First, they waited until the end of their hour-long infomercial to list the first four games of every series, then directed people to NHL.com for the balance, which wasn’t on the web site when they directed the fans there.

Our theory? It was Florida’s turn to handle the Cup release this year, and the Panthers had been eliminated back in February. Plus, they were drunk.

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And finally, Major League Baseball must contrive a way to get the Marlins and Astros to play a series this summer, else what good is Bud Selig for? Before both teams get to 20 wins would be nice, but we also said the summer, so there might be a time crunch.