I want Warren Sapp to do my eulogy

I want Warren Sapp to do my eulogy
March 13, 2013, 9:15 am
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I want Warren Sapp to do my eulogy, just to see if the mourner will storm the front of the hall in rage. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

When you don’t have the gumption to get liquored up with friends, you sit at home and think of things like this:

•       The Roman Catholic Church has been suffering from a ghastly image across the globe, but surely nothing brings home their current sorry state than this: Jose Canseco is tweeting updates on the new papal conclave (black smoke – thanks, pal) and Dennis Rodman wants to visit with the new Pope as soon as he is elected. Now that’s a circle of Hell that not even Dante could have imagined, even if Dante had access to the finest sanctified peyote.

In other words, karma has never been a bitch quite like this.

•       Lionel Messi’s performance in Barcelona’s 4-0 victory over AC Milan in Tuesday’s Champions League match reminds anyone with a brain that he remains better at what he does than any other athlete in the world is at what he or she does. And the only other person in the argument (if you want to have one) is LeBron James, who is at the literal zenith of his powers.

In other words, some players transcend individual sporting biases. You know art when you see it, and Messi, like James, is art.

•       Bill Hancock, the earnest and honorable executive director of college football’s new playoff system, tells us that the games will not be sponsored. “It won't be ‘The Vizio Championship Tournament,’” Hancock said. “The Final Four doesn't have one. The Masters doesn't. The Super Bowl. That's the kind of event we have.” Given that this is a college sports enterprise, what he means eventually is, “Yes, there will be a bunch of sponsors, because the NCAA never met anything it couldn’t create that someone will foot the bill for.” 

And if you think otherwise, consider how high the skirts rose for this year’s bowl games, brought to you by Discover, GoDaddy, Gildan, Famous Idaho Potato, San Diego County Credit Union, Beef O’Bradys, R&L Carriers, Maaco, Sheraton, Little Caesars, Northrop Grumman, Belk, Bridgepoint Education, Advocare V100, Russell Athletic, Meineke, New Era, Bell Helicopter, Kraft, Valero, Buffalo Wild Wings, Hyundai, Franklin American Mortgage, AutoZone, Chik-Fil-A, Taxslayer.com, Capital One, Outback, Allstate, Tostitos, AT&T, BBVA Compass and Vizio.

In other words, even when they try not to look like money-eating gorgons, the folks who run college athletics remind us that money is still the only item on the menu.

•       The 49ers are supposed to be interested in Ed Reed and Charles Woodson as replacements for Dashon Goldson, apparently only because Larry Wilson is 74, and Night Train Lane is dead.

In other words, you can tell something is a blind rumor by the age of the player being referenced. In the offseason, nobody is old.

•       I want Warren Sapp to do my eulogy, just to see if the mourner (or, if we’re going to be optimistic, mourners) storm the front of the hall in rage.

In other words, he will learn nothing about carpet-F-bombing the NFL Network because the network will keep trotting him out there. Remember, kids, it isn’t “basic” cable when Warren is speaking.

•       Speaking of F-bombs, here’s to Todd Kelman, the general manager of the new Belfast Giants hockey team, who disbanded and reformed without owner Christopher Knight, an American who bought the team who is a registered sex offender in Florida. He explained the decision to abandon Knight by saying, “I got rid of a creep and I would it again . . . If the guy was here I’d say ‘Go f--- yourself, we did the right thing.’”

In other words, someone forgot to kick the tires, let alone do any diligence, on Knight before selling him the team. Nothing obscures a screwup quite like loud, well-aimed profanity.