If Giants struck Faustian deal, bill clearly due

Editor's note: Below is a transcript of a fictional conversation between Giants GM Brian Sabean and Satan

Brian Sabean, please. Yes, Ill hold ... hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, when you find me in a gloom, or catch me in a dream, inside my lonely room, there is no ... hmmm-de-dum-dum, I love that song ... oh, hello. Brian?

Yeah?

Brian? How are you?

Got no time right now for whoever you are. All hells breaking loose right now. Leave your number and I'll call you back.

Well, you have time for me, and all hells breaking loose right now is a very apt phrase. This is Satan.

Huh?

Satan. Lucifer. Beelzebub. Arnold Rothstein. I have many names, and I just wanted to mention that the bill for last year came due today, and I used the automatic debit arrangement we agreed to last August.

What? This is you?

Yep. And well, I just wanted to say you're paid up, except of course for the interest, and thanks for doing business with us.

So all this is you? You're hitting back after last year? I never had a deal with you.

No, nothing official. We've never actually spoken. But that "I'd do anything for one crack at the ring" thing? That's a request to us to provide services, whether you know it at the time or not. And we did.

Wait a minute. You cant do that.

And yet, I have. And you know why I can cut these kinds of deals with clients who don't know they're clients? Volume.

Hold it. I think out loud, and . . .

And we hear everything. It was nice of you to think of us, even though you didn't. You got a year, and now we settle up.

But it hasn't been a year. You're screwing us. We have more time.

They all think that, Brian. We understand. But you were on the monthly payment plan, and that was after the six months interest-free we decided you agreed to.

How the hell do I agree to something I . . .

Don't say mean things about my home. It may not be much, but it is spacious, and insulated well. Anyway, you don't have to agree. All you have to is ask, and we do the rest.

Wait a minute. Six months . . . you mean . . .?

Yep. Buster Posey. First payment. Damned ingenious, if I do say so myself, and I just did, so there you go.

But hes an innocent bystander. He didn't . . .

Oh yes he did. He got to be Rookie of the Year. He got to be a national icon. He got to reach his 20s with a name like Buster without kids beating him up. Are you kidding? He's on scholarship.

And Freddy Sanchez?

Actually, that wasn't us. He just has, well, one of those bodies.

And you just strung us along until now?

No. You think you're the only client I have? Were an old, well-established firm. We were around when the Yankees didn't have money. We were around when the Ottoman Empire had nothing to do with furniture. The Big Bang? We were scalping tickets to that. We been around, pal. Trust me on that.

So we were in the race despite all that?

Hey. You got pitching, and you know what they say. Good pitching beats good sorcery every time.

But with all this today? Seriously? Five guys blown up? Five! Don't you think this is kind of excessive?

Excessive? Listen, nitwit, excessive is toad rain, lava from every spigot in your house, locusts in your underwear. I could have cleaned your plow but good. And it's not just today anyway.

But Romo? Beltran, for God's sake. We just got him out of the FedEx box two weeks ago? Schierholtz? Keppinger? Rowand? Rowand, for God's sake.

That was Ted's idea. Ted, meet Brian. That project you were working on. He's the client.

Nice to meet you. I hope you're happy with our work.

Happy? Happy? Of course I'm not happy, you son of a . . . !

Thank you. Love those dissatisfied customers. Listen, I'd love to chat but I have to get back to the presidential primaries. Lukie, Brian, take care. 

Anyway, Brian, like I said, the principals paid off, and here's your receipt on that. The interest, we can take up later on.

OK, stop. Interest? When's that done?

Well, when you guys stop waving that damned trophy around like it was a slide whistle you got from Dave & Busters. When you wrap up the Showtime thing. The nicknames, they have to go. When you get that annoying seal out of peoples faces. That thing gives me the creeps every time I see it.

That all?

Well, Wilson will shave that beard soon enough, so that's not really an issue. Lincecum, Cain, were good on them too. Oh, and tell Sandoval good job on the weight. I got these last 20 I cannot seem to lose no matter what I try.

Yeah, I'll race right out and let them know how happy you are.

Don't get chippy, pal. I still have some thoughts on Brandon Belt I'm thinking of bringing up at the next staff meeting. Anyway, gear back on the 2010 stuff, make the seal work in accounting or something, and maybe we can close the books by December.

But the season ends in September. And October.

Hey, I have a quota to meet too. I have people pounding me all the time on that stuff. But I'll tell you what. I'll call off some of the fans who keep saying you and Bochy are morons for not knowing ahead of time that I was going to take out half your dugout. You know, just as a sign of good faith.

OK.

But seriously. The seal. Make that priority one, will you please? I have night terrors thinking about that thing.

Ill see what I can do.

Oh, and enjoy the game.

Yeah. Thanks heaps for that..

Oh, hey, one last thing. If you have any friends that could use my services . . .

Yes, yes. Absolutely. Kevin Towers. Works in Phoenix. Same line of work. Great guy. You'll love him. The sooner you can get to work on him, the better.

OK . . . W-E-R-S. Got it. We'll be in touch. And make sure Belt doesn't, well, slip on a wet spot on the floor or anything. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Thanks for your time.

You heartless bastard.

We aim to please.