John Tortorella kindly requests you to...

John Tortorella kindly requests you to...
May 23, 2013, 9:00 pm
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John Tortorella, never one to bite his tongue, took things to a new level in his postgame press conference Thursday. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

John Tortorella really thinks you should kiss his behind. All of you. Whether you cover the New York Rangers, the National Hockey League, sports, watch sports on television, watch any television, live in North America, or just live.

But you should absolutely kiss his behind, especially if you think he benched Brad Richards for not playing well, even though he benched Brad Richards for not playing well.

So line up, pucker up and do your duty for Torts. Because he’s not kidding. Ever.

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Of course, he might have been reacting to one of the officials F-bombing him with 2:50 left in regulation because he was, well, being John Tortorella. These things happen, too.

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Joe Blanton is free. Free, I tell you. The last of the beleaguered Angels starters finally got a win Thursday in Los Angeles of Anaheim’s 5-4 win over the freefalling Kansas City Royals, giving him a 1-8 record and removing him from the very small list of starting pitchers carrying an oh-fer. The new winner in the clubhouse isn’t even in the clubhouse – Phil Humber of Houston went 0-8 with a 9.59 ERA, a 2.02 WHIP and an OPS of 1.021, and then he got released.

Released, that is, by the team that just became famous yet again for having one of its vendors, a snow cone salesman, take a bathroom stop with his wares at his feet. He got fired, too.

But at least everyone thinks Reid Ryan, Nolan’s boy, will straighten the franchise out. Well, good luck to him; most folks wouldn’t even try.

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When you’re talking slumps, the Fox Sports Kansas City graphics crew doing the Royals-Angels game hit the earth’s core with this one. A producer asked the question, “Which young player would you like to start a franchise with,” and offered the following choices:

Manny Machado of Baltimore.

Mike Trout of Los Angeles.

Bryce Harper of Washington.

Matt Harvey of New York.

Only they came up with this:

Manny Machado of the Chicago White Sox.

Mike Trout of the New York Yankees.

Bryce Hunter of Detroit.

Matt Jones of Baltimore.

Given that none of these people exist, the only guess we have is that the crew was clearly trying to surreptitiously funnel votes to Kansas City’s Mike Moustakas.

Unless the graphics kids traded him to Houston when nobody was looking.

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Two undermentioned highlights of the Heat-Pacers game, otherwise known as Vogel’s Brainlock, were Indiana’s Roy Hibbert complaining that Miami’s Shane Battier kneed him in the goolies, and Pacer David West taking a similarly aimed shot from Heatlet Norris Cole.

I think we now have a slightly picture of how LeBron James’ teammates help him out in tough games. As John Wooden surely must have said once, “It’s hard to rise up when you’re bent over.”

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Speaking of junk, Mauro Gjurovski of the Thai team Muangthong United celebrated a goal recently by taking off his uniform shorts, wearing them on his head and thrusting his pelvis at the crowd. He got a red card, but this seems grossly unfair. His team’s name is Muang-thong, after all.

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And finally, John Tortorella is waiting. Tick tick tick.