Johnny Football needs to tell better whoppers

Cespedes shines bright in the Big Apple

Johnny Football needs to tell better whoppers
July 21, 2013, 6:30 pm
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"If Manziel can’t tell better whoppers than these, then maybe he isn’t the kind of person who should be a Heisman Trophy winner."

-Ray Ratto

Colin Kaepernick has the best-selling NFL jersey in America. For you old-at-heart types who panic daily at the demise of our civilization, his arm tattoos are a pretty hot commodity as well.

[RELATED: Colin Kaepernick's jersey a top seller]


In other NFL news, Jerry Jones says this is not a make-or-get-broken year for Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett. Jones also said the NFL is closer than ever to putting a team back in Los Angeles. Jones is on the verge of saying he is going to outbid the Houston Rockets for Dwight Howard, and then he’s going to become a fireman.

It all makes you wonder when Jed York is going to become a full-fledged NFL owner and go completely off his nut, too.


And in other eventually NFL news, Johnny Manziel lied to Archie Manning because he got smoked in New Orleans and blew off work. Then he lied in his explanation for getting canned from his gig at the Manning quarterback camp at SEC Media Day. Now I don’t hold 20-year-olds as moral exemplars as a general rule, largely because 20-year-olds are typically, well, thick. But if Manziel can’t tell better whoppers than these, then maybe he isn’t the kind of person who should be a Heisman Trophy winner.

I mean, Reggie Bush lied about a house for his parents, for God’s sake. Now THAT’S a lie worth telling.


Are we finally, finally, FINALLY done with waiting for Tiger Woods’ next major victory? I mean, now that he’s become the new New England Patriots? Can we seriously stop obsessing about him?

No. The PGA begins in 18 days. He will be the favorite. We are doomed.


Paul Rogers of the San Jose Mercury News broke the story that the San Francisco Giants are at sixes and sevens with the high number of seagulls that invade their ballpark in the waning innings of games, which is an interesting discovery – first made, of course, when people realized that San Francisco was NEAR THE SEA!

Rogers, of course, was not merely reporting the seagulls turn up at the ballpark because Rogers is not a loon--at least not so far as we know; we’ve never actually met him. Instead, the Giants’ vexation is the story because (a) seagulls have always been part of the in-game experience, (b) the Giants have never met a problem they couldn’t fix by selling people something. Say, like a gigantic floppy hat, or a poncho, or a tarp as big a section of stadium seating.


[RELATED: Gull problem at AT&T Park continues to plague Giants]

But if they’re reluctant to deal with the issue that way, maybe they could consider a Thinning Out The Herd Night, with slingshots shaped like Brandon Crawford throwing a ball to first base. Not as pricey as a hat or a tarp, I grant you, but it beats a dry cleaning bill and a sad story.


And while we’re at it, Rogers hunted down a gull biologist named Russ Bradley who said the birds may be lured by the stadium lights, or perhaps by fans leaving the park toward the end of the game, or maybe even by “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” “They are incredibly intelligent animals,” Bradley told Rogers. “Unless you want to build a dome, there's no easy answer.”

Well, at the risk of mocking science, yes there is. The gulls show up because people throw food they don’t like on the ground. Birds know there is food and fly around waiting for the picky customers to leave so they can get at it. And you don’t need a dome to combat the problem because there is no problem. Unless, like Bradley, you may be concerned that birds and ballpark food make for massive avian coronaries.


The New York Red Bulls are actually offering its fan groups $2000 if it will stop chanting “You Suck A--------” during games. But get this part: the largest fan group, the Empire Supporters Club, has not yet made a decision, according to When Saturday Comes.

It isn’t clear whether the indecision is based on reluctance to seem in the team’s pay, whether the group doesn’t see the problem as a problem, or that $2K is an insufficient bribe. I know this much, though: I’d take the money in a heartbeat, and then come up with an even more scurrilous chant to see how quickly I could get to five figures. I mean, now that we agree what the team and the supporters are, the only thing left to negotiate is the price, right?


And finally, Yoenis Cespedes is injured, so soon after being declared the next new thing by his win in the demolition derby called the Home Run Derby. It is not known how close effect is to cause here, but the first person to be asked about participating in the 2014 Derby should seriously consider hitting the requester with his bat. Sure, it won’t last three hours, but it might make good TV.

At least better TV than the Home Run Derby, anyway.