Meltdown in Beantown creates existential crisis in Canada

Meltdown in Beantown creates existential crisis in Canada
May 13, 2013, 11:00 pm
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Monday's Game 7 in Boston will not be forgotten in Toronto for a very long time. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

Before we begin, a moment while Canada finishes throwing up.

The Dominion was three minutes and change from watching their prodigals, the Toronto Maple Leafs, finish off the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their first round series. Instead, the Leafs give up three goals in that span, and lose in overtime, which of course will become an existential crisis across . . . well, most of the nation.

There is no American team that can say that. There may not be any team anywhere that can say that. But it will be remembered forever by any number of nicknames, most immediately prevalent being the Meltdown in Beantown.

Ad the most galling thing: The Bruins didn’t need any help from David (This Is Our F----- City) Ortiz.

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The Houston Astros, who need all the help they can get, have decided to change the way in which they give help, abandoning a fundraiser for the Houston Area Women’s Center to concentrate its charitable focus on at-risk youth and youth baseball programs.

I didn’t realize that charities were mutually exclusive. Or that at-risk youth and youth programs had nothing to do with, well, women.

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Bryce Harper’s 20-year-old bucket list includes Vin Scully. As it should.

“I’m really going to try to meet him this year,” Harper said. “I wanted to meet him and I never did. I really want to get a picture with him.”

Based on what we’re seeing these days, Harper can probably go up during an inning and get that done. I mean, Vin may not be in the mood, but he’ll understand that there is no real urgency for the Dodgers, baseball-wise.

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Good night and good luck to Roberto Mancini, fired at Manchester City a year after winning the Premier League. That’ll teach him to grow too attached to the scarf as a fashion concept.

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If ESPN’s Brian Windhorst is right (and there’s no reason to think not), the NBA owners are still unwilling to relent on their vote in favor of Sacramento. Which is fine, as far as that goes. But we’ll see how excited they are for that when they start seeing the Maloofs at owners meetings again.

Our guess: They open up attending meeting wearing nothing but robes and beanie copters, and then mixing in alcohol and practical jokes at future meetings until the owners finally give in.

Either way, Sacramento may still keep what it wants the most, but with the unpleasant aftertaste of the things it wants the least. We’ll find out Wednesday.

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And finally, here’s to Stephen Curry’s ankle, which now has enough holes in it to have his leg reclassified as a saxophone. Charter 5 will be told this evening.

But let’s also note that if he were a Shark, he’d only have a lower body injury. Unless Todd McLellan decided to call it an upper body injury. Or a skin rash. They’re crafty that way.