Nike's next novelty

Nike's next novelty
May 28, 2013, 11:15 pm
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Would a Lance Armstrong commemorative ankle bracelet sell as well as the Livestrong bracelet? We may never know... (USA TODAY IMAGES)

Nike has finally dropped its line of Livestrong products, no doubt because the radon detectors at their Beaverton campus went haywire every time one of those laughable yellow bracelets was detected. The company is about to replace them with a commemorative “WeMadeAllWeCouldOnThis” ankle bracelet.

And yes, we meant ankle bracelet for the reason you think.

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If you enjoy late night television, maybe you have seen the infomercial for the Rutgers Hiring Candidate Vetting Kit. It is a mirror that, when placed under a potential employee’s nose, will detect everything the school wants to know about that candidate. Fog means a keeper. No fog means a maybe.

And for the record, Julie Hermann’s mirror melted like it came from a fun house.

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If you have a rooting interest in the Keyshawn Johnson-Justin Bieber thing, whatever it is, you cannot be saved. Find an ice floe and hope for a northerly tide. It’s for the best, trust us.

Or put the two of them on the ice floe instead. An entire culture will thank you – until you start showing interest in Amanda Bynes.

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Dustin Ackley of the Seattle Mariners has been sent down because his manager, Eric Wedge, thinks he paid too much attention to sabermetrics and stopped trusting his natural abilities. I wonder what excuse math majors get to use – that they spend too much time in the cage?

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Charles Woodson said he wishes he had met with Al Davis before he left Oakland for Green Bay, but I’m here to say no, he doesn’t. He may have changed, after all, but Al never did. He held grudges longer than Uranium 236 holds its radioactive life. It ended better this way, with him just leaving, trust me.

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Ten Congressmen have asked the Washington Redskins to change their name, but they will change their tune if the Redskins call their bluff and offer to have them meet directly with Dan Snyder. Five minutes of that ought to break their resolve.

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If Michael Malone does indeed get the Sacramento Kings coaching job, here’s hoping he lets his hair grow out. Sacramento is a town that thrives on style and elegance, and he’ll need to be decked out just right for his new and very eager audience.

Or he could wear a jaunty purple fez and shop for his clothes at the House Of Paul George, Where DayGlo Paisley Is The Past And The Future. That would work too, if for no better reason than to take his mind of whatever it is DeMarcus Cousins is going to do next.

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And finally, the celebrity taste tester for the new line of Shaquille O’Neal cream sodas must surely be Kobe Bryant, and I think you can all remember why. If not, think of the question Shaq kept asking in his stage show a few years ago.