A novel approach to fans on the field

A novel approach to fans on the field
July 17, 2013, 9:15 pm
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If this fan had to take a Matt Harvey fastball to the gut for running on the field, would he have reconsidered? (USA TODAY IMAGES)

So who else thinks the A’s should be buyers and the Giants sellers at the trade deadline? Good. Everybody. Now who thinks the Giants should trade with the A’s?

Sorry. Just wanted to see whose brain would explode sooner – Larry Baer’s or, well, Larry Baer’s.

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Just when we thought it was safe to lift our heads up again, 49er teammate NaVorro Bowman weighed in on Colin Kaepernick’s hat choice. He was against it, the first time a 49er has come out against “just swag” since Tom Rathman’s first crewcut.

Oh, and yes, I am so sick of Kaepernick’s hat that I am considering becoming sick of his head, too. But not his tats. Those I can endure.

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Lindsey Graham, the senior Republican senator from South Carolina, is in a red-state snit over Edward Snowden, so much so that he has a brilliant idea. Boycotting the Sochi Olympics.

“I would just send the Russians the most unequivocal signal I could send them,” Senator Leghorn said. “At the end of the day, if they grant this guy asylum, it's a breach of the rule of law as we know it and is a slap in the face to the United States.”

The unequivocal signal he refers to is this: “I, Lindsey Graham, know nothing of the history of Olympic boycotts, even though I was alive in 1980 when we boycotted the Moscow Olympics and accomplished precisely nothing.” No other senators have signed on to his scheme as yet, but one can never successfully underestimate the idiocy of national politicians. In other words, a little arm-twisting, vote-trading and a few compromising photos later, we’ll see support for this.

No wonder people vote Whig.

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Penn State’s Board Of Fez-Wearing Poobahs, or whatever they’re called, have allegedly (according to the Legal Intelligencer, a Philadelphia law paper) approved the earmarking of $60 million to cover claims by plaintiffs asserting that they were molested by Jerry Sandusky. So far, Sandusky was convicted for molesting 10 boys, but 32 people have come forward claiming they’d been sexually assaulted. I’m thinking $60M is a lowball number, though I would never want to question anything called “Intelligencer.”

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The NCAA has dropped its contract with EA Sports, citing the costs of litigation in the Ed O’Bannon lawsuit. In other words, it doesn’t want to add profits to the pot it may lose if the O’Bannon lawsuit kicks them right where it should. We should live so well.

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Tara Van Derveer’s new contract at Stanford is yet another letdown for those of us who always liked to pose the question, “Could a woman coach an NBA team?” Of course, when we used to pose the question, the Warriors were going through a coach every seven months. Now, Mark Jackson might actually do what only Don Nelson has done in the last 25 years – last four years on the job.

In other words, Van Derveer decided, “What the hell, I’ll do what I was going to do anyway.” The new contract runs through the apocalypse, with two mutual options.

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Johnny Manziel is one more bold step toward what we in the world of “God, am I sick to death of the very sound of his name” call rampant Tebowism.

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Alex Rodriguez returns to the Yankees on Monday. See the above item.

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Already people are concocting scenarios by which LeBron James and Kobe Bryant could end up with the Lakers after this coming season. See the above item, glowing in the dark high above the horizon and searing our corneas until we all beg for the sweet relief of blindness.

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And finally, there seems to be a rash of fans running on playing fields lately, including the nude guy at the Australian rugby match and the All-Star Game. We propose a helpful solution: Let the person stand in the middle of the field completely and utterly starkers (or remove his clothes and make him more clearly nudetastic) until it occurs to him that his john thomas (or in her case, chestal extensions) isn’t enjoying the bracing evening air. Then put his or her name, and those of the spouses, children, parents, fellow yobbos and parole officers who either urged him or her or failed to discourage same from making the run for glory, on the scoreboard.

After all, if you’re going to do the work, be proud of the work, and make sure your families and friends share your accomplishment with you.

And for any lawyers who have privacy concerns about such a plan, we have an alternate plan. Let the most menacing player either employ a fastball, a tackle, a forearm, a clothesline, a skate blade or a golf club at the scene stealer. You want to be star, you gotta learn the lines, Jack.

In line images, top to bottom (provided by): 49ers LB NaVorro Bowman (USA TODAY IMAGES), Senator Lindsey Graham (AP) , Alex Rodriguez (USA TODAY IMAGES)