Ratto: Forget 'Torture, Fear the Beard, the Rally Thong'

October 25, 2010, 8:10 pm
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SAN FRANCISCO -- This has nothing to do with the players. It has everything to do with you. So pay attention.

The pom poms are played out. So are the rally rags, Aubrey Huffs thong, the stupid "Fear the Beard," and the word Torture.

Youre superstitious, you believe in the power of marketing to set you free, and we dont want to disabuse you of any notions you might hold near or dear at this point.

But Im telling you, theyre played out. They may have gotten you this far in your mind, but now its time for something else. Something new. Something that hasnt been done before, so that people wont confuse you with nerds, geeks or sheep. You go to such lengths to act like youre cooler than everyone else, and then you do the same stuff in the stands everyone else does? Please. If youre better than all that, prove it.

And were to help you.

First off, torture. This isnt torture, not any more. Being a Phillies fan is torture. Being a Yankee fan is torture. Being a 49er fans is particularly exquisite torture, since your team has just been deported and forced to play the Denver Broncos in front of people who were once our allies. Now how the hell does that enhance our standing in the world community? Whats next, spent nuclear materials hidden inside Easy-Bake Ovens?

What this is, if it has a name, is the blind pig finding the acorn, over and over again. The guy at Fishermans Wharf who pops out from behind bushes and scares the tourists. This is hitting on 18 and pulling nothing but deuces and treys.

There. Theres your battle cry. We Hit On 18. And for those of you know you wont be around children or the faint of heart, you can still have the Lincecum motto, ---- Yeah, Shut Up. Or, if you go for acronyms, FYSU. People will figure it out. And it looks good on a T-shirt.

Besides, it's about the only time they hit.

Next, the thong. Huff has worked that visual as long as he can, and the Brian Wilson references to The Machine, too. Now its time for something else, Wed go with the same theme to honor the players promotional gifts, but you cant show a thong in its natural state on television, and an orange submissives outfit really doesnt work as an effective ensemble, especially in high definition. But a tasteful 175 hoodie that looks like one . . . well, you cant blame a dodgy entrepreneur for trying.

Or how about a simple ski mask -- orange, again, so the cops dont think youre going to hold up a garlic fries stand. Sure, orange isnt much to hang your hat on, but the Giants started this nonsense again in 1947 after going red-white-blue during World War II, so youll just have to with it.

Now youll get grief about any Barry Bonds stuff you wear, and deservedly, but if youre going to go that route, go proudly. A simple T-shirtsweatshirt elegant legend, like Yeah, But The 586 Homers Help Dull The Pain.

And finally, theme music. Tony Bennetts still good when the crowd is filing out, but something to identify this team, these players is still sadly lacking from an otherwise clever and creative music department at the ballpark. We recommend (and highly) Mister Bad Example, by Warren Zevon. Upbeat, kicky, and with inspirational lyrics like these:

Im very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins,

I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in,

Im proud to be a glutton and I dont have time for sloth,

Im greedy and Im angry and I dont care who I cross


Im Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt,

I like to have a good time, and I dont care who gets hurt,

Im Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me,

Ill live to be a hundred and go down in infamy.

Now who wouldnt to take the field to that? Or care about a team who would? It sure as hell beats Sweet Caroline. Hell, they played that one at Guantanamo.

OK, weve done as much as we can for you. Now were going back to baseball, and leave us alone.