Tebow to Pats means brain trauma for Brady

Tebow to Pats means brain trauma for Brady
June 10, 2013, 4:30 pm
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Tim Tebow in New England? Someone send Tom Brady a sympathy card. (AP)

Tom Brady couldn’t get the New England Patriots to re-sign Wes Welker, for which he was sad, especially when his boss, Bob Kraft, told him he didn’t have a vote. Now he finds out that he gets to deal with Tim Tebow. We mention this because when Brady complains of concussions this coming season, they may not be caused by football, but him slamming a desk drawer on his head 30 times a day. Which, if you think about it, is caused by football after all.

Lesson: If your kid wants to play football in high school, tell him it causes brain trauma in more ways than he can possibly know.

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Mark Davis emerged from the Raiders’ Fortress of Solitude Sunday to explain to the redoubtable Monte Poole of Bay Area New Group that he didn’t fire media relations director Zak Gilbert as a pre-emptive strike against/reminder to general manager Reggie McKenzie about who’s boss. He did it a full week after the original incident, though, making the explanation seem more contrived than contrite.

But you know who could have helped him improve the sorry timing of his response to the offending Sports Illustrated story by Jim Trotter, which was published in LATE APRIL? A media relations director – because they’re not just for knee-jerk post-facto someone-has-to-pay-for-this blaming any more.

What this seems like, then, is this: Davis was reminded by someone that his father built the empire, and that part of his job is to defend not only The Guy With Swords In His Head, but the guy who made the guy famous. And since he wouldn’t fire McKenzie and couldn’t fire Trotter, well – part of the key to leadership is blame delegation.

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There have been 11 coaching changes in the NBA since the regular season ended, and according to USA Today’s Jeff Zillgitt and his essentially evil cohort Sam Amick, there are lots of reasons for it. First among them, though, is that most NBA operations have the attention span of fruit flies, because everyone with a lot of money (or in an increasing number of cases, everyone whose daddy has a lot of money) thinks they understand the game played in the NBA while having little concept of it whatsoever.

Going back to 2000, there have been 190 coaches, give or take a spare janitor, including interim choices and the three times Memphis decided to hire Lionel Hollins. That’s an average of about 2 years and five weeks per coach per team.

Now here’s the kicker: You know the one team that’s made no changes at all – the San Antonio Pops. You know who’s second in coaching longevity? The allegedly impatient and peripatetic Mark Cuban in Dallas.

And the most hyperactive? Philadelphia, which hasn’t been stable since Moses Malone and Julius Erving; Detroit, which is apparently a temp agency with gym space; and your Golden State Warriors, who are about to extend Mark Jackson’s contract.

Though were I him, I wouldn’t give up that day job over at the church.

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Kobe Bryant’s parents apologized (in a statement, which equals nine-twentieths of an actual apology) for trying to sell his baseball cards – well, for trying to sell a huge chunk of his memorabilia without his consent. He had sued the auction house, which in turn sues the Mamba family, turning the whole thing into a deliciously hot mess of familial dysfunction.

Hurray, familiar dysfunction.

As it turns out, the Mambas’ apology means that the auction house will be selling only six pieces of memorabilia, and the auction house expects to get about $500,000 for the stuff. Frankly, they’d have all been better off if Kobe had just bought a one-quarter stake in a Honus Wagner card.

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Harvey Updyke, the Auburn tree poisoner just released from arboreal prison, just gave enormous mustaches a bad name . . . and we should know.

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This, children, is why God invented the engine. And the couch. And the bottoms to fill them.

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And finally, WE AS A NATION BEING SPIED ON BY ITS GOVERNMENT AND HAVING ITS SPIRIT CRUSHED BY RIGHT-WING NUTCASES AND CORPORATE PLANET-EATERS DEMAND WITH ONE VOICE THE WNBA REF-CAM BE USED BY JOEY CRAWFORD.

And we are not screwing around on this.

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