Who has the momentum?

Who has the momentum?
June 11, 2013, 9:15 pm
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Is this the face of a man that looks like he's lost momentum? (USA TODAY IMAGES)

If you have, are, or have a thought about asking who has the momentum in the NBA Finals, you are ordered to turn in your remote and join a barbershop quartet, because you are not smart enough to watch television, or basketball. You won’t enjoy singing with three other guys, and you’ll be thought of as a total prat by your friends, but you’ll have it coming. There is no momentum between games, and that’s the end of it. Don’t bring it up again.

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And in case you are wondering, Marco Scutaro hurt his hand last night in Pittsburgh because Pablo Sandoval is fat. George Kontos hit Andrew McCutchen in the behind because he missed Starling Marte and because Pablo Sandoval is fat. Oh, and Barolo Colon is fat because Pablo Sandoval is fat.

Now let it go.

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Because we care, and because we too are afraid of Bill Belichick, we make this pledge to you. Barring catastrophic injury, a new career as the up man on punts, an arrest for being drunk and naked in a subway stop, ascension into Heaven (or descent into Hell depending on your own personal religious bent) or Tom Brady shattering his femur, we will expend as many words this calendar year on Tim Tebow as we will Ryan Mallett.


And why? Because a backup is a backup is a backup, that’s why. We all enjoyed Monday and Belichick’s deeply dismissive presser Tuesday which helped us to gnash our teeth in Tebow’s direction, but the time to enjoy the re-erection of the circus tent has again passed. Except of course at ESPN, which has already begun negotiations on the subway nudity tape.


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By the way, these are the other 31 third-string quarterbacks, in alphabetical order. If you can match more than five names to the team in which they play, get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or a pet. Or a cheese. Or at the very least, go outside. You need to seriously consider meeting other people, and in the alternative staying away from the ones you already know.

ARIZONA: Matt Barkley
ATLANTA: McLeod Bethel-Thompson
BALTIMORE: Matt Blanchard
BUFFALO: Tyler Bray
CAROLINA: Jimmy Clausen
CHICAGO: Austin Davis
CINCINNATI: Pat Devlin
CLEVELAND: Zac Dysert
DALLAS: Mike Glennon
DENVER: Bruce Gradkowski
DETROIT: Rex Grossman
GREEN BAY: Caleb Hanie
HOUSTON: Chandler Harnish
INDIANAPOLIS: Graham Harrell
JACKSONVILLE: Jerred Johnson
KANSAS CITY: Case Keenum
MIAMI: Thad Lewis
MINNESOTA: Ryan Lindley
NEW ORLEANS: Luke McCown
NEW YORK GIANTS: Kellen Moore
NEW YORK JETS: Ryan Nassib
OAKLAND: Sean Renfree
PHILADELPHIA: Matt Scott
PITTSBURGH: John Skelton
SAINT LOUIS: Geno Smith
SAN DIEGO: Rusty Smith
SAN FRANCISCO: Brad Sorensen
SEATTLE: Scott Tolzien
TAMPA BAY: Nick Stephens
TENNESSEE: Jeff Tuel
WASHINGTON: Tyler Wilson

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It would behoove the 49ers to plan on a brief memorial plaque or other marker for the elevator subcontractor who died at the site. No snark, just a thought – that should be acted upon, out of mere fairness.

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Larry Baer is so torqued about the Yasiel Puig merchandise burst (The Dodgers sold more Puig-related merchandise from Thursday to Sunday than they had ever sold of any player over a four-day period, including Manny Ramirez, Fernando Valenzuela or Hideo Nomo) that he has already spurred the promotions gnomes with plans for a Juan Perez platypus, Chad Gaudin berets-on-a-bald-head skullcaps, Brett Pill Pez dispensers, Tim Flannery plastic ukeleles and Kontos Revenge Fastball ouzo.

Available at any Giants Team Store. Don’t be caught short – your favorite team cannot endure an overpriced merchandise gap.

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And finally, Bob Melvin is about five solid drinks and two more wins over the Yankees from saying, “Let’s make a sentence from the following words:

New.

I.

Extension.

Another.

Deserve.

Contract.

Billy.