Why David Shaw is a failure at Stanford

Why David Shaw is a failure at Stanford
May 15, 2013, 9:30 pm
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Should we blame David Shaw for the lack of good college bars at Stanford? Sure. Why not? (USA TODAY IMAGES)

In case the Warriors cannot escape the vice grip in which the San Antonio Spurs have them Thursday night, we wish to refer you to the only true response to the inevitable what-does-it-feel-like questions, courtesy Washington Capital Brooks Laich:

[RELATED: Game 6 Preview: Time for Curry and Thompson to step up]

“There's no way to polish a turd. These days suck.”

We may not be able to get Mark Jackson or Stephen Curry to go that way, but we have hopes for Andrew Bogut. And we will need a bit of truth before we lurch inevitably toward the but-isn’t-it-wonderful-how-far-you’ve-come softballs that will ensue.

So there’s your bar, Andrew. If you can clear it, you are a hero to any and all athletes for years to come. If you and the fellas disappoint Thursday, do not disappoint Thursday. If you know what we mean. And we think you do.

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Rolando McClain’s retirement from whatever the hell he thought he was still going to do in the NFL is an outrage, for one very good reason: The Baltimore Ravens should have been forced to put his real last name on his jersey. No, not McClain. The name he used when he signed his traffic ticket in Decatur, Alabama. “F--- Y’all.”

[RELATED: Rolando McClain retires from NFL at 23]

Hey, if you think the world stopped turning with He Hate Me, you have another bunch of things coming.

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Ilya Bryzgalov, the Philadelphia Flyers goalie who is as certifiable as Antti Niemi is not, gave an interview with the Russian sports site Championat, in which he had a go at big old American cities, welfare queens, the Philadelphia media, and his desire to have a nice chat with Joseph Stalin.

As Bryz is considered a bit of an eccentric, you can take most of this with a metric ton of salt, but his affinity for Stalin (who of course “went too far,” somewhere between the second and third major purges of the 30s) is also shared with Genghis Khan (another party guy) and Albert Einstein (a notorious pacifist who fled Hitler’s Germany and who obviously didn’t know a good time when he saw one). In other words, yes, Ilya Bryzgalov is a bit of a whackjob.

The last goalie to venture this far into the thicket of politics, albeit with more living targets, was Tim Thomas of the Boston Bruins, whose hatred of the system compelled him to dismiss the U.S. government in its present Obamacized form, and then refuse to accompany his team to the White House in protest, an act which helped in a small way to hasten his dismissal from the team.

In fairness to Bryz, though, the Flyers haven’t won anything to be feted by a government for, and Stalin has been dead for 60 years, so he isn’t stuck with that kind of dilemma. But he lives in hope. Maybe he can get Vladimir Putin to play dictator dress-up.

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The Travel + Leisure list of best college bars includes The Albatross in Berkeley, as it should, Oregon and Arizona State as well, and four Ivy League joints, which
displays a curious bias. But Stanford? Nothing, a clear example of how David Shaw and more importantly athletic director Bernard Muir are failing the university and its students. If you’re going to be taken seriously, gents, you can’t just keep throwing Rose Bowls hither and yon. You have to say it with longnecks.

And no, we don’t mean wine bottles. And no, we don’t mean the back of the Infinity SUV. Stanford’s tavern gap is an ongoing scandal, and being beaten by William and Mary and the College of Charleston is an event greater affront.

We await – nay, demand – developments.

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And finally, Jeremy Affeldt chose the right town in which to give back $500,000 of his contract due to a clerical error. If he was in New York, he’d be considered a sap. If he was in Chicago, he’d be considered a mark. If he was in Los Angeles, he’d be considered a rube.

And if he was in Miami, playing for Jeff Loria, he’d be all those things, just on general principle.