Good news: Fans matter sometimes, as in the Charlton-Coventry match where fans of both teams gathered to delay the match between the two teams by chucking hundreds of plastic pigs onto the pitch to protest the greed of their teams’ respective owners. Now who says people can’t come together on an issue (although this would have been a much better story with actual pigs)?
And now, the weekly hell.
1. COLORADO (5-2, 7-0, 3-4): That’s seven wins against the line, and zero losses. Seven-and-oh. Do you really need clarification here?
2. WESTERN MICHIGAN (7-0, 6-1, 3-4): For want of 2½ points against Northern Illinois, this could be the best team on earth, except for Colorado.
3. TEMPLE (4-3, 6-1, 4-3): Money is money, period.
4. ANDREW MILLER (20 innings in the last 15 appearances, 37 strikeouts, six hits, three walks): The official representative for the Meek Inherit The Earth campaign.
5. NEBRASKA (6-0, 4-1-1, 1-5): They owe it all to Brenda Tracy and Sam Foltz, and there are a lot worse reasons to fete a team that covers.
6. THE TOM HERMAN WATCH (6-1, 4-3, 4-3): That Arkansas State job is looking more and more inviting, Scooter.
7. GIOVANNI RESCIGNO to NICK ARCHIDIACONO (seven yards): The Italian Ambassador to the United States and his aide de camp scored Rutgers’ (2-5, 2-5, 4-3) first touchdown in three games in the fourth quarter of its 24-7 loss to Illinois. David Bonagura kicked the extra point, which suggests that the Scarlet Knights are the least dominating recruiting in the greater Palermo area.
8. NEVADA (3-4, 1-6, 1-6): The numbers that matter tell a very consistent story (bet against these guys even when you don’t know who they’re playing), and we admire that. Call it Kaepernick Hangover for purposes of clickbait, even though Kaepernick has literally nothing to do with it.
9. EASTERN MICHIGAN (5-2, 6-1, 2-5): The big Eastern-Western bucket of blood match is this coming week. Nail the windows shut kids, and hide in the cellar – mostly to avoid the quizzical gazes of neighbors who ask, “Why would you possibly care?”
10. MARK DAVIS (17-29, 24-21-1, 25-19-2): Told ESPN.com’s Paul Gutierrez that even if he gets the votes to move the Raiders to Las Vegas, the Raiders would play two more years in Oakland “to bring a Super Bowl to the East Bay.” Fine, but only if he submits to a dunking booth on the final game that goes from the top of the center field stands to the ground, and lets every fan get one good throw at him.
11. FLORIDA ATLANTIC (1-6, 1-6, 4-3): Consistency comes in many forms. In this case, losing to Marshall.
12. SOUTH DAKOTA STATE (4-2): Beat North Dakota State, 19-17, a big win for the Jackrabbits and an even bigger one for the cast of Deadwood.
13. ARMY (4-2, 4-2, 2-4): Used 15 different running backs in a 62-7 win over Lafayette. Boys, you can only burn a village down once.
14. AUSTON MATTHEWS (Toronto Maple Leafs): Four goals in a loss, no goals in a win. That’s so very Leafy.
15. ALABAMA (7-0, 5-2, 4-3): This season can be salvaged only if Nick Saban becomes much more mindful of the line – which he won’t, the stubborn old robot.
16. UNLV (3-4, 4-3, 6-1): Unaffected by either mai tais of the encroaching Raiders, rallied to beat/cover against Hawaii. Plus, a healthy understanding of totals and how they affect the dignity of all mankind.
17. ESPN AND FOX (sorry, I don’t do Nielsens): Offering the Big 12 money not to expand by two or four schools, taking us one step closer to the era of full-on acceptable result manipulation. Viva La Rothstein!
18. FORDHAM AND HOLY CROSS (nobody puts lines on these games but contemptible degenerates, and nobody bets them but human mudslides): Two of my friends claim these as their alma maters. They don’t care a lot about football. They need your abject pity.
19. LSU (4-2, 2-4, 0-6): Nearly beat the total in an otherwise meaningless 45-10 win over Southern Mississippi. Credit for avoiding the meaningless touchdown that would have rendered their entire season, well, meaningless.
20. KENTUCKY (3-3, 3-3, 3-3): The very essence of everything we oppose as a society. Pick a lane in the time you have left before John Calipari reduces you to maintenance workers, gents.
21. MATT MORIN (154.4 quarterback rating): Backup tight end for Arizona who got called in to play quarterback in Bear Down’s 48-14 loss to USC. In the old days before humanists and empaths started sticking their nose into everything, players who needed discipline were made to run stadium stairs.
22. MICHIGAN STATE (2-4, 1-5, 2-4): Maybe if Mark Dantonio went back to his high school and helped with the chain gang once in awhile, losses like 54-40 to Northwestern wouldn’t happen.
23. NOTRE DAME (2-5, 2-5, 4-3): See No. 6.
24. BENTLEY (nice car): Beat American International, 5-3, in what we can only hope was a meteor shower.
25. OREGON (2-4, 0-4-1, 4-2): Didn’t play. Unfortunately it was a previously scheduled bye, not a decision of conscience.
Next week will be better . . . unless it isn’t, which it probably won’t be. Go away.
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