The Black Monday firing spree is upon us

The Black Monday firing spree is upon us
December 29, 2013, 10:15 pm
Share This Post

Lion head coach Jim Schwartz is likely to be fired after his team went 7-9 and missed the playoffs. (USATSI)

Black Monday is a lousy name for the day after the NFL season. Something more festive, like “You’re Fired Happy Funday Monday” would be better.

And apparently the hammer is going to land on fewer skulls than at first specu-guessed. The only morgue reports to leak from Sunday’s post mortems were those of Detroit’s Jim Schwartz and Cleveland’s Rob Chudzinski, and the latter may be because Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam left the stadium in disgust with six minutes left in the Browns’ 20-7 loss at Pittsburgh.

[RELATED: Dennis Allen probably will survive 'You're fired Monday']

The Chud-Out story, confirmed by team sources, infuriated many of the Browns players, some of whom tweeted to’s Mike Silver such gems as this: “We are so dysfunctional. These billionaires need to pick somebody and stay with them. These aren't girlfriends (and) you can't dump them if they (fail to please you) one time.”

Well, yes they can. And they do, all the time.


Other You Suck Monday bullets: Mike Shanahan is on the list, but Rex Ryan isn’t, proving that whatever you read about football in July, no matter how soundly reasoned, is a total and complete lie and should be ignored. People are stupid before a season begins, and the harder they work to tell how much they know, the stupider they become.

Sincerely, the people who thought Ron Rivera was going to get fired too.


In fairness, though, Americans have this stuff easy. Haslam’s petulant response to his undermanned team providing undermanned results is still light years more advanced than that of Cardiff City owner Vincent Tan, who was disliked by the fan base even before he fired popular manager Malky Mackay Friday. As it turned out, he stayed until the end of Cardiff’s come-from-ahead 2-2 tie with last-place Sunderland at home, but when he did leave, he booed his team off the field.

Yes. Booed them. Not even Jerry Jones does that.


In other unfairitude, Anderson Silva’s MMA career may well be over because he snapped his own leg during his loss to Chris Weidman. Silva is (was?) one of the great champions in the history of the sport, but the snap is how he is likely to be first remembered – as the fight fighter to break his LEG.


And now, Andrew Bynum. Or as we are planning to think of him unless he can somehow reconstruct his career, the new Benoit Benjamin. The Cleveland Cavaliers, who lost to the Warriors Sunday in overtime, in part because Bynum doesn’t feel like it, may be looking to trade him, and for those who think he’d look good in Oakland, a word of caution. The Warriors have had plenty of guys who didn’t feel like it over the years, from the owner’s suite on down, so unless you want to see Andrew Bogut beat him up at every practice, move on to a more likely name.

Like maybe Adam Sandler.


Oh, and in case you were in one of those Name The 49ers’ Best Running Back pools and claim you had WR Quinton Patton’s name, step up and here and be kicked in the dangly bits for being a stone liar.

[RELATED: Patton redeems himself with big play in 49ers' win]

And yet, if the 49ers can win games doing that, they are almost surely the livest wild card team in the history of wildcardery.


And finally, this bit of fun. Denver placekicker Matt Prater was 100-for-101 this year. He hit 25 of 26 field goals, which isn’t so much of a much, even when you count the 64-yarder he kicked, but the amazing thing was that he kicked 75 extra points.

Seventy-five. He may have to start limbering the left leg in case exhaustion seizes the right one and goes all Andrew Bynum on him.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for