Ratto: Buckle Up, it's Philly Time


Ratto: Buckle Up, it's Philly Time

Oct. 13, 2010RATTO ARCHIVE
Ray Ratto

Heres the first thing that leaps out at you inthe National League Championship Series.

Well, OK, not the first thing that leaps out at you,necessarily, but us . . . yeah.

The PhiladelphiaPhillies arent what you think they are. Theyre actually better thanthat.

You think they score runs in huge globs, crushing teamswith their extraordinary 1-through-8 batting order. Well, not so. Well, not somuch, anyway.

They finished seventh in runs scored, ninth in homers,10th in steals, 11th in OPS and extra base hits, 12thin hits and batting average. Even after you factor in the injuries to JimmyRollins and Chase Utley and Ryan Howard and Placido Polanco that may havelowered some of those numbers, theyre still a good offense as opposed toa great one.

But what they do as well as any team, and maybe betterthan any, is that they choke you out. They make you work so hard to get each oftheir players out that you get worn just trying to wear them out, and that isthe one thing the Giants cannot afford in this series to have theirbest pitchers getting worn out.

For starters, they dont strike out much. AgainstCincinnati,they struck out only 14 times (the Giants piled up 43 in four games against theBraves). Theyre supposed to be free-swinging devil-may-care raconteursat the plate, and yet theyre no such thing. They hit only four morehomers than the Giants did during the regular season even though they scored 75more runs, and they walked 75 more times. Theyre supposed to be bombers,but they steal bases (they were 8th to San Franciscos 30th) andthey are efficient at it (they were third in failed steals with 21, and theirpercentage of 83.7 was the best in the game).

In short, the Phillies dont kill you withmallets, they bleed you to death with paper cutters. They are, and let thisblasphemy ruing far and wide as the series begins, way better at grinding thanthe Giants are. And the road to a San Francisco World Series lies not on their own uniqueand mutant charms, but on their ability to not let the Phillies show theirs.

The Giants are more fun, because they are working withthe casinos money here. The story lines abound because the Giants arenew at this stage, and because they do just enough odd and only semi-contrivedthings to make themselves precocious to an under-appreciative audience.

Tim Lincecums televised battle cry, ----Yeah Shut Up, is a T-shirt if ever there was one. You will be able tobuy Aubrey Huff-issue thongs in the Giants team store unless we have sadly misjudgedtheir marketing skills. And Brian Wilsons inadvertent but spot-on impersonationof 70s wrestler Mad Dog Vachon is going to win him friends in an olderand slightly more deranged demographic.

Plus, a victory over the Phillies would work againstthe national grain and endear the Giants to an audience beyond the 415, 650,408, 707 and yes, even the 510. Chicks dig the long ball, but in the absence ofsuch brute strength, theyll go for a quirky yet charming weirdo.

But like we said, the Giants fancy themselves grinderswhen in fact the Phillies grind better than the Giants do. What the Giants are,if truth be told, are stunt men. They try to see how close they can get tofailing with actually doing so. They played 52 one-run games, which is not anabsurd number, but 29 of those were 1-0, 2-1 or 3-2, and since you justfinished watching the Braves series, you have a healthy sense of what that doesto the average nervous system.

It causes it to crave alcohol in the handy fishermans-bootsized container.

So maybe what we need to say here is that the Philliesgrind on other teams while the Giants grind on themselves. They avoid easewhenever possible, and actively eschew the path of least resistance. Thatscharacter trait that works great until you face a team that makes everythingdifficult on an at-bat-by-at-bat basis.

Is this a prediction? No. Its too early forcavalier buzzkilling. Hold your hope with a tight fist, because youveearned it.

This is a word of warning, though. If you thought theBraves wore you down, you aint seen nothin yet. And if thePhillies wear the Giants down the way they can, the nothin youllbe seeing will come sooner than you think.

Does St. Louis' suit against NFL mean hope for the City of Oakland?

Does St. Louis' suit against NFL mean hope for the City of Oakland?

You thought you were done worrying about the Raiders. You thought the votes were in, the moving vans booked for three years down the road, and all gnashing and sharpening of teeth was over. You thought you were free.

Then those buttinsky-come-latelies from St. Louis decided to rear their litigious heads, and now you find yourselves slipping back into that desperate-hope world from which no one escapes.

It seems the city and its regional sports authority has decided to sue the National Football League and its 32 semi-independent duchies over the relocation of the Rams 15 months ago because, and you’ll like this one, the league allegedly did not follow its own relocation rules when it moved the team.

As you know, there is no such thing as a rule if everyone governed by the rule decided unanimously to ignore the rule. This doctrine falls under the general heading of, “We’re billionaires, try and stop us.”

But all lawsuits have a common denominator, and that is that there is money at the end of the rainbow. St. Louis is claiming it is going to miss out on approximately $100 million in net proceeds (read: cash) and has decided that the NFL and especially their good pal Stan Kroenke is going to have to pay for permission to do what they have already done -- specifically, leave.

Because the suit was filed in St. Louis, the benefits of home field advantage apply, and the league is likely to have to reinflate their lawyers for some exciting new billable hours.

As to whether it turns into a windfall for the jilted Missourians, well, as someone who has known lawyers, I would list them as prohibitive underdogs. But there is nuisance value here, which brings us to Oakland.

The city and county, as we know, did not put its best shoe forward in trying to lure the Raiders into staying or the other 31 owners into rejecting the team’s pleas for geographical relief. By that, we mean that the city and county did not fall all over itself to meet the league’s typically extortionate demands.

But they did play angry enough to start snipping about the 2019 part of the Raiders’ 3-More-Coliseum-Years plan, and they are threatening to sue over about $80K in unpaid parking fees, so filing their own breach-of-rules lawsuit might be a possibility.

Because, hey, what’s the point of sounding like a nuisance if you can’t actually become one?

By now, it is clear that everyone in SuitWorld got what it needed out of the Raiders’ move. The city and county could concentrate on guiding the A’s into activity on their own new stadium. The team could go where Mark Davis has been agitating for it to go for at least three years – somewhere else. The state of Nevada could find a place for that $750 million that was burning a hole in its casino vault. And the league went to a market that it, at first reluctantly and then enthusiastically, decided should be its own.

The fans? Oh, please. Who cares about them? To the NFL, and to all corporations in all walks of business, folks are just walking wallets.

But for some cash? Well, climb on board, suckers. The gravy train is pulling out on Track 3.

Nobody is fool enough to think the Raiders would be forced to return. Hell, even St. Louis isn’t asking for the Rams back. They just want to get paid for the money they probably banked on in the good old days before Stan Kroenke decided to head west.

And that would doubtless be Oakland’s stance as well if. Now the circumstances are slightly different, in that St. Louis worked harder to keep the Rams than Oakland did to keep the Raiders. St. Louis scared up $350 million toward new digs for the Rams, well short of what Kroenke would have accepted, while Oakland said it could get its hands on some infrastructure money and no more.

But Mayor Libby Schaaf complained in her relocation post mortem that the league didn’t follow its own guidelines (yay correlation as causation!), maybe with an eye toward throwing a few lawyers into the fire to see how long it would burn.

There is not yet any indication that the city and county are going that route (and the silence may simply mean that they are sick of the Raiders’ saga as everyone else seems to be), but if they do, well, don’t freak out that the team might be forced to return.

Except, of course, in that place where migraines start. Dragging this back up is a bit like the phantom pain amputees feel -- but hey, people will do a lot for a bit of court-ordered cash. Anyone who has ever watched Judge Judy will understand.

A sports-related pie-fixing scandal? Hell never felt so fun


A sports-related pie-fixing scandal? Hell never felt so fun

I’m liking this 2017 so far. Then again, after 2016, nearly any year would be an improvement.

Just this last weekend we got a flat-earth scandal that turned into a mock-up about media self-importance and fake news (yay Kyrie Irving and his impish sense of satire!).

We got the overblown Russell-Hates-Kevin narrative, and the faux Russell-Secretly-Loves-Kevin counternarrative, all because we are stunningly attracted to meaningless and utterly contrived drama (yay our ability to B.S. ourselves!).

We got the NBA All-Star Game ripped for having no defense even though last year’s game was, if anything, worse (yay short attention span!).

We got the Boogie Cousins trade and the national revulsion of all the thought processes the Sacramento Kings put into this perpetually rolling disaster (yay making Boogie and Vivek Ranadive household names!).

And now we got the Great Sutton United Pie-Fixing Scandal. Yeah, pie-fixing. Hell never felt so fun.

So here’s the deal. Sutton United, a very small fry in English soccer, got to the fifth round of the FA Cup, a competition in which all the clubs in England are commingled and play each other until one team remains. The big clubs almost always win, so any time a small club goes deep, it’s a big deal.

Anyway, Sutton went deeper in the competition than nearly anyone in the last century, a charming development given that it is such a small club that it had a stadium caretaker, goalie coach and backup goalie all in one massive fellow, a 46-year-old guy named Wayne Shaw. Shaw became the globular embodiment of the entire Sutton Experience, a jolly lark for everyone involved and especially when he ate a pie on the bench in the final minutes of Sutton’s Cup-exiting loss to Arsenal.

And now he’s been eased into resigning his jobs with the club, because – and this is so very British – there were betting shops taking action on whether he would in fact eat a pie on the bench, and he either did or did not tip off his pals that he was going to chow down on television.

He did eat the pie. His pals collected on their bets. The sport’s governing body opened an investigation into market manipulation by gambling – which is hilarious given that no fewer than 10 gambling establishments have advertising deals with English soccer clubs. Shaw was invited to quit to kill the story, and he took the hint.

Hey, dreams die all the time. But it’s still pie-fixing. Let that rattle around your head for a minute. Pie-fixing. Not match-fixing. Not point-shaving. Pie-fixing.

Now how can you not love this year?

Sure, it sucks for Shaw, but it serves as a series of cautionary tales for athletes around the world.

* Gambling is everywhere, and every time you inch toward it, you dance on the third rail.

* If you want to help your friends, give them cash.

* This is a horribly delicious way to lose your gig.

* And finally, fun in the 21st century isn’t ever truly fun because someone in a suit and a snugly-placed stick is going to make sure you pay full retail for that fun.

But it is nice to know that something that has never happened before is now part of our year. Pie-fixing is a thing now, as silly in its way as Irving’s flat-earth narrative was. And as we steer away from normal games as being too run-of-the-mill-fuddy-duddy entertainment, we have replaced them with sideshows.

Or do you forget how many people complained Saturday and Sunday that the dunk contest wasn’t interesting enough? How stupid is that?

Lots. Lots of stupid. But against pie-tin-shaped planets and pies turned into betting coups, how can it possibly compare?

We chase a lot of idiotic narratives in our sporting lives. The great What Will The Patriots Do To Roger Goodell story died like the old dog it was. We still try to flog Warriors-Thunder as a rivalry in search of better TV ratings when all the obvious evidence is that it is no such thing unless you think a couple that broke up nine months ago is still a solid story. We have Bachelor fantasy leagues, for God’s sake.

This would leave most normal folks in despair, thus matching their everyday experiences, but yin meets yang, and every time it looks like we are all barrel-rolling into the sun, we get Irving, and then we get Wayne Shaw.

In short, 2017 is going to be fun of grand surprises for us all. I look forward to the day President Trump tries to fete the Patriots and only gets to Skype with Bob Kraft and the equipment guys who midwifed DeflateGate, and Mark Davis in Las Vegas, just to see if he can get a P.F. Chang’s into the Bellagio.

Why not? This is sport’s year-long tribute to sketch comedy, and evidently everyone is signing on enthusiastically to replace lessons of morality and honor and equality and dignity and sportsmanship with slackened jaws and belly laughs.

So yay sports! Or as it is clearly becoming, A Night At The Improv.