Fans misguided rage at color of train seats

Fans misguided rage at color of train seats
April 18, 2014, 10:00 pm
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Some 49ers fans are upset that the colors of the seats in the new BART trains resemble the colors of the Seattle Seahawks. (PHOTO COURTESY BART.GOV)

Colors are stupid and hateful and evil and must be destroyed.

Yeah, we said it, and we meant it because we can prove it.

The latest example of this essential truth can be found on BART, where the transit authority has bought some new cars that for no particular reason have been painted and upholstered in lime green and blue.

Yes, yes. Seattle Seahawks colors. Or, more specifically, colors that are close but not in fact the colors the Seattle Seahawks. Evidence, courtesy John Breech of CBSSports.com: http://cbsprt.co/1lhsHFZ.

This of course has irked people who are easily irked, including one person who broke out a petition on Change.org (http://chn.ge/1hVEmIc) wanting the seats and car colors changed because of the despicable insult.

I mean, who runs BART anyway, Satan?

Oh, I know the argument – they’re just fans having fun, or defending the honor of their team, or being playfully loyal to their own seat covers.

But this logic is wrong, and dangerous. Action green (which this isn’t), college navy (which this isn’t) and Wolf grey (which this definitely isn’t) are a direct provocation and meant to cause anger, agitation and discord. The people at BART did this on purpose because they hate the 49ers. No other explanation makes sense.

Unless of course the people who care about this are simply nuts, which is the other possibility.

But why antagonize fans? They are always right, are they not (well, no, but you can’t argue with lunatics so it makes more sense to play along)?

No, the real issue here is not that BART is a rolling provocation, but that fans do not go far enough in exercising their constitutional right to be annoying for reasons of publicity.

For instance, there is no petition we know of demanding that the American flag be changed its colors are the same as those of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Nobody is demanding that people boycott Crown Royal because of the label’s similarity to Los Angeles Lakers colors.

There is no campaign to stamp out classic movies because the Los Angeles Kings’ primary colors are black, silver and white.

Hey, if you’re going to be a fan, you can’t just stop at seat colors because your principles only extend so far. Demand your full panoply of rights as the desperately deluded internet-savvy maniac you are.

And target your protests. Just holding your breath until your co-workers turn blue just gets you a dose of anoxia and a visit from mental health professionals.

For instance, ride BART, but refuse to sit, even if you’re the only one in the car. Your buttocks demand ethical purity.

Or don’t ride BART, even if you’re in Oakland and you need to get to San Francisco. Of course, cabs are typically yellow, and that is one of the colors of the Kansas City Chiefs, and AC Transit is out because its colors are green and gray, and green is the color of the Green Bay Packers. Frankly, it looks like you’re walking, Skippy – that is, unless you want to be labeled soft on ocular crime.

Don’t give blood because the Red Cross uses the same color scheme as the Detroit Red Wings, or worse, Canada. And don’t accept blood either, because blood is more like the color of the Arizona Cardinals. So don’t help patients in need or cut yourself, ever.

Don’t get married because a lot of teams use white. Don’t go to funerals because a lot of teams wear black. In fact, the only way you can save yourself from this conundrum is to become a dog, because dogs can’t differentiate red, orange, green, greenish blue, gray or different shades of purple. They can differentiate other colors, but colors don’t mean that much to a dog, as anyone who has ever tried to get a dog to paint the trim on a house can attest.

You can wear brown, though, because nobody you know cares that much about the Cleveland Browns or the University of Wyoming. So yeah, brown. Every day, head to toe, wherever you walk and no matter how many people you ignore or shun out of principle. That’ll teach those troublemaking bastards at BART.

I mean, who do they think they are – people who outgrew color judgments when they were nine years old?

Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com

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