Selig announcing his retirement means two things

Not just Giants-Dodgers, fan death is a San Francisco problem

Selig announcing his retirement means two things
September 26, 2013, 11:30 pm
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On Thursday, Bud Selig announced that he will retire at the end of the 2014 MLB season. (AP)

First, on a serious-to-crummy note following the fatal stabbing of a Dodger fan outside the ballpark Wednesday night, can we agree that there have been enough ballpark deaths in the Bay Area this year? Can we also agree that if you need a knife to go to a game, you don’t need to go to the game? And can we finally agree that the high-moral-ground thing no longer belongs to San Francisco?

And if those things seem unreasonable to you, maybe the next Giant-Dodger game here needs to be played in an empty stadium the way FIFA occasionally does with soccer teams to see if people can figure out the correct answers.

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In other inspirational news, the Jacksonville Jaguars sold tickets for Sunday’s pie-fight with Indianapolis that included tickets for two free light beers. Oh, good. Another “learning experience.”

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Todd Helton, whose last home game was a glorious triumph, sent Barry Zito, whose last home game kind of wasn’t, a text that just said, “Bro.”

Well, actually, he should have. Just out of solidarity.

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Bud Selig announced – yes, ANNOUNCED – that he will retire as commissioner on January 24, 2015. This means two things:

1.      He’ll have a harder time explaining how it is he stood for one more term as commissioner.
2.      His farewell address will include the following phrase: “Oh, and that A’s/San Jose blue ribbon committee? It was less complicated than we thought it would be. In fact, it never existed. A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

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If Robinson Cano gets 10 years and $305 million from anyone ever, then all Americans are banned from ever blaming players for high salaries ever again. Period. No debate. It’s done. You’ve always been wrong, and this would prove you will always be wrong.

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Troy Machir of The Sporting News killed a few hours compiling this list (http://tinyurl.com/kg8org9) of delicious college basketball names, and while it isn’t by any means the best in the country, San Francisco’s Kruize Pinkins made the second team. I’m sure a plaque will be forthcoming.

Better than Pinkins? Lots of names, frankly. Just a few: God’sgift Achiuwa (St. John’s), Hippolyte Tsafack (Memphis), Wadly Mompremier (Ohio) and Xzaivier James (Northern Colorado), although I hear James is going to change his last name to Mxtyplzk for the sake of continuity.

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EA Sports is cancelling its college football video game for at least a year and is looking to settle the O’Bannon lawsuit that blew it to smithereens. Meanwhile, the NCAA wants to take the case to the Supreme Court if need be. Now, so that you can get to the next level, guess which entity looks more East Germany in the late 1980s.

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And finally, Yankee manager Joe Girardi is considering a lighthearted request for Mariano Rivera to play the outfield at some point during this weekend’s series with Houston. Closer to home, Bruce Bochy is considering letting Barry Zito lead off Sunday against the Padres so he can get that at-bat that everyone was so upset about. Frankly, we didn’t know having one last chance for his 36th career hit meant so much to you.