Steve Smith waxes poetic on house training your dog

Steve Smith waxes poetic on house training your dog
October 20, 2013, 8:45 pm
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Steve Smith schooled Janoris Jenkins on the football field, then eloquently explained his disdain for his opponent in a postgame tirade. (USATSI)

Steve Smith and Janoris Jenkins got crosswise with each other in Carolina’s 30-15 win over St. Louis, and Smith owned Jenkins during and after the game, as you might guess. During, five catches for 69 yards and a touchdown. After, with this, from his postgame presser as provided by Jonathan Jones of the Charlotte Observer:

What was the (touchdown) dance you did?

“Well he thinks he’s Deion (Sanders). He’s not.”

To get your 800th catch against him…

“He’s just another notch on the bedpost. That’s 800. He ain’t no different.”

Did you have any run-ins with him before?

“No. What I don’t like is a young guy, comes in, obviously his first time ever using the Internet and Google, and he Googles information about me, talks about my wife and stuff like that. That’s kind of some of the b---s--- I just don’t play with.”

What specifically was he saying?

“That’s all I’m going to say. I don’t play them games. When you try to take it personal like that, I don’t have any great humbling things to say. So he can take his ass back to St. Louis and watch the f------ film because I don’t play them games. And if I see him in the streets I’m going to punch him in his f------ mouth.”

On your touchdown celebration, was that a little bit extra?

“When you embarrass people you rub it in their face. When your dog pees on the carpet, you rub it in his face.”

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We mention this because it is a refreshing respite from the rest of Roger Goodell’s day, which included a brawl in the Ram-Panther game, a possible suspendable hit by Washington’s Brandon Meriwether, and significant injuries to impact players Jermichael Finley, Jay Cutler, Sam Bradford, Brian Cushing, Nick Foles, Arian Foster, Doug Martin, King Dunlap and Leon Hall.

But at least his officiating crew in New York nailed the personal foul call that helped propel the Jets past New England in overtime. Any time you can get Bill Belichick to (a) be unhappy and (b) be unhappy for the wrong reason, it’s a good day.

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Three of the injured players listed above are quarterbacks, and none of their coaches would even entertain the concept of inquiring after Tim Tebow. Well, that must surely be that, then. He is now officially the perpetual 97th best quarterback in the universe . . . except for an indeterminate number of college, Canadian, Arena League, semipro and out-of-work quarterbacks. He is the fail-safe name that is raised when a coach wants to leave the impression, “Oh, God, we’re not THAT bad.”

Except of course for Tampa Bay, which is indisputably worse.

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Nick Aliotti, the Oregon defensive coordinator who fumed angrily at the 89 passes Washington State Mike Leach called and Collin Halliday threw, worries way too much. One, it was like a free practice for the Ducks’ scout team secondary, which ought to be considered a good thing. Two, people watched the end of the game (except of course for the Fox broadcast team, which was far more invested in a silly debate about the Heisman Trophy). And three, Oregon won the game.

Put another way, the Oregon defensive coaches typically have to work so little in second halves of games that Leach’s wholly expected passing fetish must have caught them a little short. But not short enough. Seems like a delicious chunk of nothing in a game that otherwise looked like nearly every other Oregon-Washington State game since, ohhhhh, 2003.

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Besides, this way, nobody was kvetching about the Pac-12 officiating for a change. In that way, Larry Scott approves of every pass, start to finish.

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David Babcock, a professor of graphic design at Central Missouri University, adapted and combined those two highly cutthroat pastimes, pointless running and online shopping, and knitted a 12-foot scarf while running in the Kansas City Marathon. The goals cited by Alan Bavley in the Kansas City Star, other than to convince us he needs fame for all the wrong reasons, were to get into the Guinness Book of World Records (of course) and to raise money for Alzheimer’s research, as did the previous winner.

So to sum up, good cause, skilled execution, daft idea. You of course can drive 26 miles and drop a check in the post – but then you wouldn’t be David Babcock, Altruist, Exercise Nut, Grandmother.

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Jared Duke and Patrick Junen, the two Ole Miss linemen who carried the Gatorade jug around helplessly while looking for, and failing to find, head coach Hugh Freeze, are now a metaphor for iCloud. I mean, how do you grade out on Sunday after a win over LSU if you can’t find the guy who yells at you five days a week?

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And finally, two things that have utterly run their wretched course: David Ortiz’ “This is our (cheeky adjective) city!” and the Internet meme, “Fat Guy Touchdown.” The tipoffs are (a) when you make Erin Andrews set up your punch line, and (b) when you cite something that ceased being funny 343 times before you got around to using it.

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