A word of caution on the new-look Chip Kelly Eagles

A word of caution on the new-look Chip Kelly Eagles
September 10, 2013, 9:00 pm
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Chip Kelly has not revolutionized the approach to an NFL offense...yet. (AP)


Buck Showalter and Joe Girardi helped usher in the 'good new days' with a hissy fit. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

To be succinct, never before has the U.S. Men’s National soccer team set up so many people for so much disappointment in 2014. To further elucidate for you non-soccer types, the U.S. is to Mexico as the A’s are to the Astros, and not playing them only more makes the Fightin’ Dempseys’ schedule that much tougher.

[RECAP: U.S. tops Mexico to clinch World Cup berth]

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For everyone slackjawed over the new-look Chip Kelly Eagles, a word of caution. They will not have a lot of games in which the opponent scores a defensive touchdown and turns the ball over twice and gave up a safety in six plays. Therefore, hurry-up offense or no, they won’t have a 53-18 play advantage in the first half. Therefore, they will spend more time with their defense on the field than their offense. Therefore, this is not yet the offensive revolution everyone seems to think it is.

Yet, I repeat.

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According to the NOLA Defender, Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan – the Ryan who doesn’t look like a doomed man – walked into local watering hole Ms. Mae’s (though the Defender gracious describes it as a “legendary Uptown dive”) after Sunday’s win over Atlanta. A quiet celebratory drink after a hard day’s work? Yes, for all the patrons in the bar, who had given him an ovation when he entered. Ryan dropped a C-note on the bar, bought a round for everyone and told the bartender to keep the change.

And yes, that beats breaking down film of Josh Freeman every single time.

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I remember the good old days when baseball teams stole signs knowing they’d be changed within an hour or so. Then I remember the good old days when baseball teams stole signs knowing their best hitters might get thrown at. Now I have to remember the good new days where the managers get into a big loud hissy fit over it.

Let this be a lesson to you kids: Not everything new is by definition better, especially when new means Buck Showalter and Joe Girardi yelling at each other without the soothing crutch of alcohol.

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Colin Kaepernick ain’t got shash on Alberto Gilardino when it comes to skin art. The Italian national team striker tatted up to salute his three young daughters Ginevra, Gemma and Giulia, by going to their favorite TV character, the timelessly cutting-edge Peppa Pig. Of course, when they get older, they will savage the old man for doing such a daft thing, and they will be right to do so, because it is actually the contemporary equivalent of your parents tattooing Barney on their necks.

We will now wait while the people who hate Kaepernick’s body murals claim he has the hidden face of Walter White somewhere in a Where’s Waldo position.

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Sports Illustrated’s first installment on the corruption of Oklahoma State pretty much looks like every players-getting-paid scandal of the last, say, 95 years. This reinforces the “not-everything-new-is-better” concept, because after all, when you’ve hit on something that has worked for almost everyone who has ever tried it, innovation isn’t as important as execution.

Though some money-laundering, bit coins or a piece of a startup company would be nice.

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Phil Jackson, Scotty Bowman and Bill Belichick better be running this America’s Cup time out for Larry Ellison. Either that, or they’d better be hiring some Somali pirates, fast.

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And finally, Ndamukong Suh has now reached the point as a player and a reputation where he could be fined for donating a kidney. Not that he’s donated one, mind you, but you know, just in case he ever does.