The bite seen 'round the world

The bite seen 'round the world
April 21, 2013, 10:00 pm
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Luis Suarez bit Branislav Ivanovic on the upper arm before scoring the game-tying goal in Liverpool’s 2-2 draw at Anfield. (USA TODAY IMAGES)

He should have said, 'He was delicious. Plus, we needed the point.'
—Ray Ratto

Never mind your American sporting scene. Luis Suarez of Liverpool is the greatest single force on the globe.

THE GLOBE, DAMN IT.

Suarez bit Branislav Ivanovic. On the upper arm. In the open. In front of 26 television cameras. After setting up Liverpool’s first goal, deliberately handling a ball in the penalty area, and before scoring the game-tying goal in Liverpool’s 2-2 draw at Anfield.

BIT A GUY. ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION. AND IT’S NOT HIS FIRST TIME EITHER. HIS NICKNAME IN HOLLAND WAS THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX.

Sorry for the rampant capital letters. But this is Luis Suarez we’re talking about, playing for the same people who own the Boston Red Sox and who have been awash in a difficult week and the ensuing healing. Now they get a call from across the pond saying, “Uhh, Mr. Henry, we know you’ve been busy with everything in America and all, but we’ve got kind of a sticky thing here. Your best player at Liverpool bit a guy in front of the entire world.”

And John Henry slowly but forcefully starts slamming the desk drawer on his head.

BECAUSE LUIS SUAREZ ALMOST LOST A GAME, THEN BIT A GUY, THEN SAVED THE GAME. BEAT THAT WITH AN INCISOR.

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Oh, and Suarez didn’t even bother to deny the 26 cameras afterward. His Twitter account:

“I'm sad for what happened this afternoon, I apologize Ivanovic and all football world for my inexcusable behaviour. I'm so sorry about it!!”

Wrong answer. He should have said, “He was delicious. Plus, we needed the point.”

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David Lee, we hardly saw ye. It’s not your fault, but still – this has sure been a long haul for 29 minutes of playoff basketball. Points, though, for making sure everyone understood that he didn’t fault JaVale McGee in any way.

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Jack Edwards, the Boston Bruins’ play-by-play man who has decided to put the “What did he say now?” in “homer,” advanced the art the other day when he compared Pittsburgh’s Matt Cooke to an assassin. “Nominating Cooke for the Masterton Trophy is about the equivalent of nominating Sirhan Sirhan for prisoner of the year,” Edwards said. “An outrageous lack of judgment on the part of the Pittsburgh press.”

This induced Pittsburgh general manager Ray Shero to noisily and pointedly confront Edwards Saturday between periods of the Penguins-Bruins game in Boston. The result was a fairly abject apology from Edwards, who will have to change his analogy pattern to less obvious choices. Maybe if he’d gone with Ignacy Hryniewiecki, who killed Tsar Alexander II of Russia in 1881, or Judith of Bethulia, who killed Assyrian general Holofernes several centuries before the birth of Christ, Shero might have given him a pass.

There was no comment from Sirhan, who has always been a Colton Orr guy.

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Tight end JerMichael Finley chose an odd time to stop his child support – his new contract and bonus with the Green Bay Packers. But our bemusement at the timing is nothing next to our shocking lack of surprise at the development. I think this is one of those cases where the judge who extracts the money from Finley will have to go to the old line from the jury foreman in The Producers: “We find the defendant incredibly guilty.”

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Kobe Bryant tweeting during the Spurs-Lakers game is not news. Kobe Bryant tweeting “I want people fired, I want people traded, I want people cut” during the Spurs-Lakers game is news. In other words, there was no news.

Then again, since the Lakers finished with a mere 77 points, their lowest playoff output since their 88-68 loss to Detroit in Game 3 of the '04 Finals, he might have just DM'd that to Jim Buss.

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And finally, it’s good to know that the watertight bottoms who run the FCC have different rules for David Ortiz and the Boston Red Sox than for everyone else. Or maybe they have finally concluded, correctly, that words without context are merely words, and that we are now free to use profanity as long as it’s for a good cause. As something of a First Amendment crypto-absolutist, I am in favor of this, at least in the conceptual realm.

So let’s start with an easy one and work our way up until the kids at HR start paying attention: Donate blood, you bastards.

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