President Obama welcomes Giants to White House
After spending his first eight seasons in Minnesota, Chris Kluwe is entering his first season with the Raiders. (AP)
On an otherwise pokey news day, President Barack Obama put his disturbing allegiance to the Chicago White Sox aside to welcome the Giants to the White House. Blessed with the usual staff work, he got the names and events right, but to the annoyance of the locals, he persisted in calling the city from whence they come “San FRAN-cisco,” as opposed the the hoitier and toitier “San Fran-CIS-co.”
To which we say, “Gee, let’s see how you like it next year when he pronounces it, “Los An-ge-LEEZ.”
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I don’t care what baseball wants, or the New York Yankees want, or even what you want. I want Alex Rodriguez’ lawyer, David Cornwell, to be telling the truth when he says, “We are focused on an appeal.” This needs to be the nuclear dungstorm it has always promised to be, with everyone slagging everyone else until the entire structure of baseball, from the top of Bud Selig’s tousled hair to all the sportswriters who have picked a side in the PED fight, collapses like World Championship Wrestling.
What we’ll get is a payoff, and a settlement. Feh.
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The new best Oakland Raider, punter Chris Kluwe, is using Google's Skynet eyewear, Google Glass, to capture some point-of-view action from the Swords-Through-The-Head training camp. It’s more interesting than regular training camp, but it’s training camp, and you cannot make training camp truly interesting unless you have someone who transmits images from his or her own third eye.
No, I take it back. You can’t make training camp interesting at all. Not even “Hard Knocks” could escape the being-too-staged-to-be-valid level, because of the Observer-Expectancy Effect. Truth is, the athletes know what the media does better than the media knows what it does itself half the time, and the athletes know how to change what they do when being watched.
Or maybe that’s Schrodinger’s Cat.
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The 49ers have a new bathroom app that keeps fans at their new stadium updated on the length of beer and bathroom lines. It doesn’t make the lines move any faster, or the beer any less expensive, but it will tell you how screwed you actually are, as opposed to making you figure it out.
But you fans at home have had a similar app for decades. It’s called yelling, “Anyone in the can?” It never fails – unless the person in the can passes out.
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After one day of the pretrial hearings in the Penn State administrators trial, with the smoldering testimony of former football assistant Mike McQueary, and I will venture my first Nancy-Grace-On-Peyote prediction. The defendants will turn on each other in spectacular fashion.
In that time-honored guys-in-suits-with-expensive-lawyers way. Because that’s the way it always plays.
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And finally, according to Georgia coach Mark Richt, South Carolina linebacker Jadeveon Clowney is the best player in football – any football, anywhere.
I think we can start the “Raiders should start tanking” talk in three . . . two . . . one . . .